I promise the rant post is still coming, but it is a work in progress.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.
Which is awesome.
If you are a mom.
Or have an awesome mom.
Not so awesome if you’re not a mom.
Or don’t have a great relationship with your mom.
Or you’ve lost a baby.
Or you’ve lost your mom.
My mom and I have a weird relationship. I wouldn’t call it bad, but I don’t define it as awesome. Plain and simple, I was a daddy’s girl. I still am. I’m sure my mom loves me, but we do not have the mother/daughter bond that Hallmark writes about in their cards. I feel like no matter what I do, it is not good enough for my mom. I’m not the cutest, the smartest, the wealthiest, etc. It has taken me years of therapy to realize I need to not care what my mom thinks. I can still honor her without letting her run my life or falling into her guilt trips. I bought a card but forgot to send it. So we sent flowers – tulips to be specific, which will be delivered tomorrow. I think a couple of years ago I would have worried about putting this out there in a public place for her to stumble upon. Not anymore. A year or two ago, I said all of this to her, told her how I felt. And it didn’t really phase her, at least I don’t think so, as there was very little response. So I love her, and she loves me, but we really don’t have a lot to talk about. But it’s OK.
I’ve kind of surrounded myself with women who can answer that need for maternal guidance in my life. Some are older & wiser, some my age, even a few younger. They are all my friends, my sisters, my mothers. In no certain order:
· Roma – my best sister. She’s my only sister (I have 5) that I talk to on a semi-regular basis. She gets how I feel about Mom and she makes me laugh when I need it most. And she reminds me how much my dad loves us and how proud he’d be of us today. Not to mention, she’s funny, has a nice (that means he’ll talk to me – most of my BILs aren’t talkers) hubby and is the mommy of my super cutie-patootie nephew, Ryan.
· Every single one of my secretaries – Mindy, Jeannine, Sherry, Carolyn, Joann, Colleen, and Bonnie. Each of them have poured love and wisdom and goodness and laughter into my life.
· Amy – seriously, it’s like God sent someone into my life whose steps I would follow almost directly in. Amy lost her dad almost 2 years before I lost mine, and she stepped with me through the final days of his life and the months of intense grief that followed. She went thru years of infertility treatments, finally saying enough and pursuing domestic infant adoption, and now is a mommy to two of the most insanely cute boys you have ever met. She has prayed and reached out and just been there when I needed someone who really understood what I was going through – she really understands. And sometimes that understanding came in the form of Mexican food and margaritas, and sometimes it meant letting me snuggle her baby all through church. She gives me cards on Mother's Day, knowing my heart's desire, and she sends texts on Father's Day, knowing how much I miss my dad. She really understands.
· Shiela – who’d have thunk that letting our husbands play chess at the coffee shop would result in us becoming the best of friends??? She and her husband, Joe, are mine and Chris’s closest couple friends – you know, where you and your husband both like her and her husband the same, yeah, like that. She (they) have walked this journey with us, surrounding us with love, board games, and chocolate.
· My mom-in-law – she loves me. She is way different than me, but she loves me. And you may not think that means much, but when I know that she loathed Chris’s ex and wouldn’t visit them when they lived 5 minutes down the road yet she has driven to Iowa multiple times to hang out with us, it means a super lot. She loves me and she gets me cool gifts (even though she hated getting me a kitchen appliance, I FREAKING LOVE that programmable crockpot!) and bakes me chocolate cake and takes my side lots of times in ‘discussions’ with Chris. She loves me.
· My HP Girls – you know who you are. I am blown away by the love and wisdom and goodness and heart each of you possess and bless me with.
· My KC Girls – Rach & Lizzie – you may not know it but you two rock. I love your hearts and your candor and your freaking adorable children and the fact that you’ll meet a virtual stranger and her husband at Red Robin on a random Saturday afternoon. To say I’ve learned a lot from both of you – yeah, major understatement. Must get more face time with the two of you very soon.
· My sister-in-law, Carrie. At some point after Chris and I had been married a while, I realized that I would only have 1 sister-in-law. I have 5 sisters and no brothers, so I’d only get BILs from them. Chris has just 1 brother, hence only 1 SIL. And really, I got the best one. She makes me laugh, commiserates with me on our husbands and their obsession with a certain LARP that shall remain nameless, and does super sweet stuff like fly me out for the weekend to see her since the boys (husbands) are off playing in the woods. She also, despite being a doctor, understands the needs for donuts and chocolate to be a part of one’s existence. And she is my official pedicure buddy. She has also dealt with some crappy stuff in her life with a lot of grace and honesty, and has been an amazing example of “for better or worse” for me.
There are so many more I could list. So many women who have give a piece of themselves to love and support me. Much love to each of you, my friends!
I’ll be very honest here. I’m not sure how tomorrow is going to be for me. We are skipping church. Don’t judge. It’s just what we do on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Normally we go on a little weekend romantic getaway. This year, in the interest of saving money, we didn’t go away. But we did sign up to walk the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K tomorrow morning. We’ll be walking with a huge team of folks. Afterwards we’ve been invited to go out to brunch with my cousins and their families (many of them are also on our team and will be walking/running). I don’t know how I’ll feel but I am glad that we are going to be with family.
I also had a good cry on Friday which let off a little of the stress I was feeling – not all IF related, in fact it started because of a co-worker who is moving and then snowballed from there. (Reminder to self – don’t listen to K-LOVE around Mother’s Day – just don’t.) It seems weird to say it was a good cry, but it really was. My 20 minute drive home is the perfect amount of time – leave work, get on bypass, hear K-LOVE’s mother’s prayer thing, start crying, merge onto highway, cry, talk to God, cry, yell at K-LOVE, cry, sniffle, talk to God some more, cry, feel His arms around me, sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, arrive home and walk into Chris’s arms. Aaaaaahhhh. And I felt a lot better, and today has been totally tear-free. And no matter what happens, or how many tears are shed, as my husband likes to remind me, I am an expectant mommy.
Praying for all of you mommies out there, and all of you who so want to be – love to you all!