Words of a Life

2011 - so far

I had such great aspirations for blogging this year.  To be perfectly honest, I just haven't been feeling it.  I shall attempt to do better in the months to come.

Moving on.

Life has been busy, full of lots of little twists and turns and ups and downs and in just the 79 days that have come and gone so far in 2011, life has simply demanded to be lived.  

Already we've said goodbye to some dear ones, and hello to others. We've celebrated and we've mourned. We've made it thru what seem to be the last vestiges of winter, and are now anticipating spring. We've dreamt little dreams, and now are dreaming bigger dreams. We have danced and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, and we have gone to bed at 9:00 pm and slept in until 10:00 am. We've planned and prepared and proposed and presented and simply prayed. We've let go of some of the little things - the happiness suckers - and we've opened our hearts to the endless possibilities and hopes for the future. We have loved and laughed and cried and sassed and smiled and demanded and believed. We've eaten waffles and brisket and played cards and board games. We've cleaned and sorted and shoved stuff under the bed to be dealt with at a yet to be determined time. And we watched movies and fought zombies and fixed  broken cars and wrestled with giggly 2-yr olds who ply us with, "Again! Do again!" We have driven hundreds of miles, earned special tickets for going fast, and we have stayed home, snuggled up on the couch watching animated movies that make us smile and cry. We have captured moments in pixels and kilobytes and wavelengths.  

We have simply refused to give up, to stop living, loving, breathing, being.

And thru it all we remember this:

 

God is very seldom early, but He is never, ever late.

**Updated**First I Rant, Then I Count My Blessings

I've written posts in my head.  Posts about how we are doing, blah, blah, blah.  The good moments make for boring blogging.  I'll bore you another day.

Right now, I'm pretty pissed.  Not at our situation even but at how some of our friends are handling our situation.  If you are a friend and you are reading this post on my blog, you are probably safe from my wrath.  It's the friends that don't read this blog that I have had it with. 

To keep them straight, here's a bulleted list:

• To the idiot co-worker "friend" who thinks it's helpful to tell me we'll get a baby, but "you know, you might have to wait a year or even two or three to get picked again."  Seriously?  Do you honestly think this is helpful?  And you know how you keep asking questions about us and the agency and if I've heard from them, I understand that you pretty much just want to ensure that you are the first person to know when we are chosen again.  Guess what?  You will find out that we got chosen again when I don't show up to work for 12 weeks straight.  You are not to be trusted.  I learned my lesson.  I am not stupid.
• To the flaky friend who made a huge deal out of wanting to buy our stroller/carseat for us.  Please spare the rest of the world your drama and stop offering to buy gifts that you don't ever intend to purchase.  And don't suggest that someone orders their "gift" themselves and that you'll reimburse them.  That is not a gift; it is a reimbursement.  We bought the stroller/carseat.  We are keeping it for the baby we know will come home with us someday.  We are no longer holding our breaths waiting for you to send us the "gift money."  In fact, please return the money to the people you got it from, or give it to charity, or something.  Thank you for apologizing.  Thank you for the stroller.  No, my husband won't beat you up this weekend.
• To the flaky friend who emails and asks if it's OK to call, and when given the OK, chooses to not call, again, spare me your drama.  Don't tell people that you have spoken with me and I'm doing OK.  You have not spoken with me and I'm not OK.  Here's two words you need to learn - follow through.  Thank you for being gracious and realizing you screwed up.  I want to think it will all be OK in time, but my expectations are and will be much, much lower. 
• To the mom friend who said you believe you know EXACTLY how I feel, you don't.  You have a child, I don't.  You have NO idea how I feel.  End of discussion.  Can we just agree that we both have felt pain and neither of us can every fully understand the other?
• To the friend who keeps reminding me that you are sad too, I get it.  I get that you are grieving for me, but I cannot handle your grief.  I cannot handle your hugs.  I cannot handle your pity. 

I could go on and on.

But there is another list I need to share, because I refuse to let the anger win right now.  And to be honest, yes, I'm angry about our situation but there is a lot of crap going down right now and it's making it hard to deal. 

And then there are my blessings: 

• Chris - you are the bestest husband ever.  Yep, this is definitely part of our broken road. 
• Amy - my dear friend who knows my heart better than anyone right now.  God gave me you to get me thru this.  Thank you for the texts, phone calls, visits, emails, etc. 
• Amyla - my oldest friend, you too know my heart.  Thank you for being here when it really mattered, for knowing that I may not want to talk, and for loving me.
• My big sister - for letting me talk, for giving me space, for being the family buffer. 
• Jes - for giving me space, listening, letting me ramble, blah, blah, blah.  A+, friend, A+.
• Jen - we barely know each other but thank you for reaching out.  You are one of the few people who do really understand how I feel.  Thank you for validating my feelings, letting me rant, and helping me laugh thru the tears.
• Sarah - you may not be my real cousin, but you are family.  Thank you for opening your home, feeding us, checking in on us, sharing your boys, etc.  It means the world to us.
• My HP5 - Heather, Mer, Meg, Rach, Sarah - thank you for knowing what I've needed and loving me thru it all.
• Michelle - you too are one of the few who know exactly how I feel.  Thanks for loving on us.
• Kari & Christina - our social workers, thank you for checking on us, praying for us, recognizing this as a loss, and giving us the resources that we may need to move thru this. 

Again, I could go on. 

For every stupid, inane person we've encountered, someone has quietly loved on us. 

For every hurtful comment, there were prayers said for us. 

Just moments ago I checked my email.  A dear friend is losing her father tonight.  He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and is not expected to be of this earth much longer.  I sent her a brief email earlier this evening letting her know our thoughts and prayers were with her and her family.  She just responded thanking me for the prayers and wanting to know how we are doing.  Humbled.

Psalm 27:13-14

Of this I am still confident, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the livng.  Wait on the Lord, be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord.

Not What I Promised, But You'll Like it Anyway

I promise the rant post is still coming, but it is a work in progress.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. 

Which is awesome.

If you are a mom.

Or have an awesome mom.

Not so awesome if you’re not a mom.

Or don’t have a great relationship with your mom.

Or you’ve lost a baby.

Or you’ve lost your mom.

My mom and I have a weird relationship.  I wouldn’t call it bad, but I don’t define it as awesome.  Plain and simple, I was a daddy’s girl.  I still am.  I’m sure my mom loves me, but we do not have the mother/daughter bond that Hallmark writes about in their cards.  I feel like no matter what I do, it is not good enough for my mom.  I’m not the cutest, the smartest, the wealthiest, etc.  It has taken me years of therapy to realize I need to not care what my mom thinks.  I can still honor her without letting her run my life or falling into her guilt trips.  I bought a card but forgot to send it.  So we sent flowers – tulips to be specific, which will be delivered tomorrow.  I think a couple of years ago I would have worried about putting this out there in a public place for her to stumble upon.  Not anymore.  A year or two ago, I said all of this to her, told her how I felt.  And it didn’t really phase her, at least I don’t think so, as there was very little response.  So I love her, and she loves me, but we really don’t have a lot to talk about.  But it’s OK.

I’ve kind of surrounded myself with women who can answer that need for maternal guidance in my life.  Some are older & wiser, some my age, even a few younger.  They are all my friends, my sisters, my mothers.  In no certain order:

· Roma – my best sister.  She’s my only sister (I have 5) that I talk to on a semi-regular basis.  She gets how I feel about Mom and she makes me laugh when I need it most.  And she reminds me how much my dad loves us and how proud he’d be of us today.  Not to mention, she’s funny, has a nice (that means he’ll talk to me – most of my BILs aren’t talkers) hubby and is the mommy of my super cutie-patootie nephew, Ryan.

· Every single one of my secretaries – Mindy, Jeannine, Sherry, Carolyn, Joann, Colleen, and Bonnie.  Each of them have poured love and wisdom and goodness and laughter into my life. 

· Amy – seriously, it’s like God sent someone into my life whose steps I would follow almost directly in.  Amy lost her dad almost 2 years before I lost mine, and she stepped with me through the final days of his life and the months of intense grief that followed.  She went thru years of infertility treatments, finally saying enough and pursuing domestic infant adoption, and now is a mommy to two of the most insanely cute boys you have ever met.  She has prayed and reached out and just been there when I needed someone who really understood what I was going through – she really understands.  And sometimes that understanding came in the form of Mexican food and margaritas, and sometimes it meant letting me snuggle her baby all through church.  She gives me cards on Mother's Day, knowing my heart's desire, and she sends texts on Father's Day, knowing how much I miss my dad. She really understands.

· Shiela – who’d have thunk that letting our husbands play chess at the coffee shop would result in us becoming the best of friends???  She and her husband, Joe, are mine and Chris’s closest couple friends – you know, where you and your husband both like her and her husband the same, yeah, like that.  She (they) have walked this journey with us, surrounding us with love, board games, and chocolate.

· My mom-in-law – she loves me.  She is way different than me, but she loves me.  And you may not think that means much, but when I know that she loathed Chris’s ex and wouldn’t visit them when they lived 5 minutes down the road yet she has driven to Iowa multiple times to hang out with us, it means a super lot.  She loves me and she gets me cool gifts (even though she hated getting me a kitchen appliance, I FREAKING LOVE that programmable crockpot!) and bakes me chocolate cake and takes my side lots of times in ‘discussions’ with Chris.  She loves me.

· My HP Girls – you know who you are.  I am blown away by the love and wisdom and goodness and heart each of you possess and bless me with. 

· My KC Girls – Rach & Lizzie – you may not know it but you two rock.  I love your hearts and your candor and your freaking adorable children and the fact that you’ll meet a virtual stranger and her husband at Red Robin on a random Saturday afternoon.  To say I’ve learned a lot from both of you – yeah, major understatement.  Must get more face time with the two of you very soon.

· My sister-in-law, Carrie.  At some point after Chris and I had been married a while, I realized that I would only have 1 sister-in-law.  I have 5 sisters and no brothers, so I’d only get BILs from them.  Chris has just 1 brother, hence only 1 SIL.  And really, I got the best one.  She makes me laugh, commiserates with me on our husbands and their obsession with a certain LARP that shall remain nameless, and does super sweet stuff like fly me out for the weekend to see her since the boys (husbands) are off playing in the woods.  She also, despite being a doctor, understands the needs for donuts and chocolate to be a part of one’s existence.  And she is my official pedicure buddy.  She has also dealt with some crappy stuff in her life with a lot of grace and honesty, and has been an amazing example of “for better or worse” for me.

There are so many more I could list.  So many women who have give a piece of themselves to love and support me.  Much love to each of you, my friends!

I’ll be very honest here.  I’m not sure how tomorrow is going to be for me.  We are skipping church.  Don’t judge.  It’s just what we do on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.  Normally we go on a little weekend romantic getaway.  This year, in the interest of saving money, we didn’t go away.  But we did sign up to walk the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K tomorrow morning.  We’ll be walking with a huge team of folks.  Afterwards we’ve been invited to go out to brunch with my cousins and their families (many of them are also on our team and will be walking/running).    I don’t know how I’ll feel but I am glad that we are going to be with family.

 I also had a good cry on Friday which let off a little of the stress I was feeling – not all IF related, in fact it started because of a co-worker who is moving and then snowballed from there.  (Reminder to self – don’t listen to K-LOVE around Mother’s Day – just don’t.)  It seems weird to say it was a good cry, but it really was.   My 20 minute drive home is the perfect amount of time – leave work, get on bypass, hear K-LOVE’s mother’s prayer thing, start crying, merge onto highway, cry, talk to God, cry, yell at K-LOVE, cry, sniffle, talk to God some more, cry, feel His arms around me, sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, arrive home and walk into Chris’s arms.  Aaaaaahhhh.  And I felt a lot better, and today has been totally tear-free.  And no matter what happens, or how many tears are shed, as my husband likes to remind me, I am an expectant mommy.  

Praying for all of you mommies out there, and all of you who so want to be – love to you all!

This Crazy Little Thing Called Grief

I'll be honest - I'm kind of crabby.

Actually, I'm very happy and generally in a great mood.  And, to be fair, maybe crabby isn't the right word. 

Anxious.  Yep, I'm feeling moments of anxiousness - not necessarily anxiety, but anxiousness.  And out of sorts.  Like something is just not totally in its place.

I think I kind of figured it out on Saturday.  We had a lovely, relaxing Saturday.  We worked out and I caught up on laundry (something I actually enjoy doing), Chris perfected some of his Chinese cooking (we now have a fridge stocked with chicken fried rice, beef & broccoli and General Tsao's chicken) - just hung out and did what we wanted.  That evening we were going to be watching my cousin's two little boys (age 2 & 6) and I wanted to do a few errands so we headed into town a bit early. 

We made a couple of stops and then headed to the cemetary.  I'd been wanting to go for several months but the weather wasn't very cooperative.  I don't normally find a lot of comfort in going to the cemetary, nor is it a place where I habitually break down or cry.  (In fact, I haven't cried there, at all.  Well, OK, I cried at the burial.  They played Taps and presnted the flag and, oh dude, did my dad ever love Taps, and all I could think of was him humming it at these random moments.  But I don't think I've cried since then, at least at the cemetary.)  It is really more something I feel like I need to do.  I know my dad is not there.  I don't feel close to him there, but I still feel like I need to go.

This time was different.  For the first time, I lost it.  Competely lost it.  Sat there and sobbed.  Uncontrollably, gasping for air and snotting all over the place.  And just when I thought it was done, it started again.  And again.  I realized how very, very badly I miss my dad.  How much this sucks to be going thru all of this without him.  And that my kids (future tense) aren't going to know him here.  And that it's been 2 years since the miscarriage.  Which means soon it will be 2 years since he's been gone.  And it's been almost 9 years since the strokes.  Which means Mother's Day (my least favorite holiday) is just a couple weeks away.  And it all just rolled into one gigantic serving of grief. 

After about 20 minutes,  I finally let Chris hug me (oh yeah, I'd pushed him away earlier because he brought up a touchy subject on the way to the cemetary - not my finest moment), we got in the car and left.  I cried halfway to my cousin's house.  And then I wrestled with 2 of the cutest little boys, watched Ghostbusters and served Goldfish (the snack that smiles back) and snuggled and tucked them into bed, relishing every second. 

It is still with me, this intense grief.  But then it always will be.

And the anxiety, that anxious feeling, it is still there too.  But now, despite the anxiousness, there is also a peace, a peace that comes from knowing I have loved and been loved deeply in return.

 

PS - for any of you who have ever said to an adopting/adoptive couple/family/person, "Now that you are adopting/have adopted, you just wait, now you'll get pregant," - Go suck an egg!  Rant post coming soon!

 

Because Jamie Demanded It (& it's probably time for an update anyway)

 

 

Um, hi.  So once again, long time, no blog. 

 

Want to know what’s been going on?  Huh, do yuh?

 

Well, not a lot – and tons – all at the same time. 

 

So where did we leave off?  Sometime in mid-January, I think.

 

So January – there was lots of snow and wind and cold.  We saw Avatar in 3D (liked but way intense) and The Blind Side (LOVED) and watched lots of DVDs while we hid from the nastiness of winter.  We headed north to meet our awesome friends in Sioux Falls for a day of frigid shopping and fun; and then south to Omaha gallivanting around the Old Market with J & R; and enjoyed yet another evening of Wii games and pizza with my cousins. 

 

 

At Avatar in 3D 

 

 

Chris in the snow

 

 

February brought more snow and wind and cold.  We were able to get back to Harlan for a few days early in the month. While Chris slaved away at his work retreat, I had time to stop by my old office ( I still miss them like crazy!) , squeezed in a massage, lunched with some of the best women I know , and followed it up with a fantastic pedicure with my friend Tina.  We had dinners with friends, enjoyed our friend Jes’s performance at Open Mike night at Hansen Brothers, caught up with more friends, and celebrated J’s birthday with J & R and family.  The following weekend we ditched the craptastic weather and jumped on a plane bound for sunshine, specifically Arizona!  Chris’s parents spend a month south of Tuscon every year and invited us down which we were thrilled to take them up on.   We hiked, we went to the Arizona-Sonoma Desert Museum (fabulous!) and the San Xavier Mission, we saw javalinas, and geocached, and laughed ourselves silly with the parental units.  We had a fun dinner with old friends, Stacy and Travis and their daughter.  Before we flew out on Friday, we had a wonderful lunch with dear HP friends, Heather and Jen (Miss you both!).  We flew back to the land of snow and cold and February was almost gone.

 

 

Hiking in the Coronado National Forest/Madera Canyon

 

 

Lunch with HP Friends - Heather, Me, and Jen

 

 

 

March brought friends to our home.  Weekend 1 was spent with the Beach family.  Weekend 2 brought Joe & Shiela and girls north to see us.  Weekend 3 started off lovely.  We met some dear friends for lunch and were following them to the craft show when we got a call that my cousin Therese had died during the night.  We ended up driving down to the Council Bluffs area to help my cousins go thru her personal effects and bring them home.  The rest of the evening was spent with family – Chris and I with several cousins and their spouses – reminiscing and planning a family reunion.  Weekend 4 (this past weekend) brought my brother-in-law, Mike, and adorable nephew, Marshall, to our door.  We played at the park and planted seeds and blew bubbles and made surprise brownie cupcakes and ate Irish nachos and generally had a great time. I also found an awesome water aerobics program and have been loving that! I just added in some lap swimming and am working muscles I didn't know existed! 

 

 

March was a bad month for pictures.  Use your imagination here.

 

And now, now I’m up to date and the sun is shining again and temps are in the 70s this week and it is lovely, absolutely lovely.  Ah, sunshine, you are so good to me. J 

 

This weekend is Chris’s birthday and guess what I’m getting him for his birthday?  I’m letting him run/walk a 5K (the Spring Thaw) with me!  Lucky, lucky man!  Actually, he’s pretty excited about it too.  It’s our first official run/walk together.  After the run/walk, the birthday boy will get a great big birthday breakfast! We are already planning on walking the Siouxland Walk for Autism later this month (3K) with the family team and at the beginning of May we’ll be running (yep, running this one!) the Pound the Pavement 5K in Sgt. Bluff.  

 

(Now for the boring stuff…)

 

Oh, and since January 1^st, we’ve turned in our formal adoption application, met with our social worker, filled out trees worth of paperwork, been drug tested (passed), had our formal individual and joint interviews (passed), had our home study (passed), and were told to get our profile done asap.  Eek!  We are not officially approved yet but were told it would be within the next 3 weeks.  And even though our wait could be anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 years, I bought our first official baby thing today, with Chris’s concurrence!  It’s a pack of onesies from Target.  One of them is yellow with a little daisy and it says, “Hand Picked.”  If we end up with a son, we will make a gift of these adorable onesies, but perhaps our daughter will one day wear it.  We would love your prayers as we await our official approval and for our future child(ren) and their birth parents.    

 

PS – Jamie, love, does this suffice as an update? J

A New Year, A New Decade, A New Journey

And exhale. 

2009 is officially history. 

Looking back, it's been such a bittersweet year.  The sorrows were many but thankfully the joys still outnumbered them.   There were so many hellos and goodbyes.

·     Goodbye extra weight (for a little while at least), old town, soil con job, ttc, awesome little church, amazing friends, country house, debt

·     Hello new town, awesome program specialist job, big growing-on-us church, Hannah friends, small town house, new beginnings

For the past couple years I've decided not to do resolutions.  I do want to lose weight (nothing new there) and have some goals to make that happen.  And Chris and I will be embarking on a life changing journey and we are hopeful.  Details will be shared here as available. 

Instead of resolutions I've done an "I Am going to Try" List.  And it's worked.  I really try to do these things.  And despite the changes 2009 has brought, I can honestly say that this year has been more fulfilling and hope-filled than years past.  I've kept most of my previous ideas and added a few more.

• I am going to try to look for the good, the hidden joy, the sweet poignancy, in each moment.
• I am going to try to overlook the slights, the insults, the mean or just-not-quite-so-nice comments.
• I am going to try to tell the people I love that I love them more often.
• I am going to try to let down my guard and let a few more people in.
• I am going to try to hug more often.
• I am going to try to harbor hurts less.
• I am going to try to really be a better wife, friend, employee.
• I am going to try to snuggle more babies and little ones.
• I am going to try to relax and dance with my husband whenever and wherever he wants - the kitchen, the grocery store aisles, in the snow - whenever, wherever.
• I am going to try to be thankful, really thankful all the time.
• I am going to try to stay in better contact with my amazing friends.
• I am going to try to complain less and praise more.
• I am going to try to embrace hope more, and show bitter to the door.
• I am going to try to love more.

One final goodbye...

Goodbye Kelly - a part of our hearts went with you...

Goodbye 2009

Hello 2010

Vacation, Babies, and Good Times

We are almost done with Vacation Day #5.  I refuse to start the countdown to when we head home.  It's been fun and we have stuff planned for the next few days which should result in even more fun.  

So far, we've:

• driven many miles - about 12 hours - with an overnight stop in Kalamazoo.
• played countless games of Settlers of Catan and Ticket to Ride - the guys are currently working on playing Puerto Rico while I type.
• walked miles around the house bouncing Elena (adorable 3 1/2 month old niece).
• celebrated Marshall's 3rd birthday (adorable nephew).
• had a great dinner and watched several communites' displays of fireworks from our hill west of the expressway with some of our favorite Michigan friends.
• shopped and picked up several cute pieces of clothing (me with my sil and her other sil, not the boys) at the new outdoor mall in my in-laws town.
• made a quick run to a neighboring town to see if my mother-in-law was right that there really is a White Castle - she's right, and her sons thank her for that!
• Visited more with awesome friends and hung out with the fam.

Coming attractions over the next few days include:

• visiting a local toy store where our friend works followed by fun at the local waterpark.
• meeting up with two, possibly three, virtual friends from Hannah's Prayer - an IF website/forum that I frequent.
• celebrating my 34th birthday with friends and family on Tuesday.
• a quick trip to Frankenmuth, and in particular, this store followed by dinner and an evening with friends. 
• and yet more visiting with friends
• and all this before heading for home late Saturday afternoon.

Hmm, so much more to say and share but it's late (not adjusting to the hour time difference at all!) and I have to be on my toes tomorrow trailing a 3-year old. 

But a final observation.  We've been helping take care of our niece and nephew, and even kept them for a day and night so their parents could take care of some stuff.  Chris mainly played with Marshall and I've been taking care of Elena.  It has been very bittersweet.  Last night as I gave Elena a bath in the kitchen sink, my mother-in-law commented that I'm a natural.  I almost cried - it was the highest of praise from her and showed me that she sees how much I love these children.  A bit later on, Chris and I took a walk thru the subdivision, Chris carrying Elena.  We ran into several of my in-law's neighbors, all very friendly and admiring of our sweet little niece.  After the 3rd or 4th comment, about the same time, Chris and I both started saying how we felt like frauds - parading around with this baby that isn't even ours.  My darling husband then looped an arm around me and hoisted our niece higher on his shoulder and assured me that we would have a baby of our own, he was sure of it.  I'm going to trust him on this one, a submission to his will, if you please.  This amazing man has yet to lead me astray.

After looking back over the past few months of blogging that there are several subjects I need to go back and address as I'd like them recorded for posterity's sake.  So expect some randome subject posts in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, praying you are all having great summers!

The Storm of Death and A Side of Rage

I am not going to apologize for not posting lately.  Or make excuses.  It just hasn't happened.  But I'm back for the moment.

Looking back over the weekend, I stand in awe of the awesome power of God.  On Friday afternoon, Chris and I ran down to the city for a doctor appointment and to pick up a few gifts.  We didn't plan on doing much shopping as we had a youth event we needed to get back to town for.  After our appointment, we swung by the big Christian book and gift store and found what we needed.  As we were paying, a guy in line beside us got a phone call and told his wife that the sirens were going off in our area.  But it looked sunny outside from our angle.  We walked outside and Chris turned back to the west - and interrupted me to say, "Get in the car now!"  There was a huge, dark, low-hanging wall cloud bearing down on us.  We hopped in and tried to get out of Omaha - except so was everyone else.  We were in stop-and-go traffic on the interstate when the storm hit a few minutes later.  It was insane - winds gusting to hurricane force, torrential rain in an already saturated area, and bucketloads of hail.  I was nervous - but taking pictures.  Chris thought it was awesome and kept calling friends to tell them that we were in the Storm of Death.  I'll upload pictures later but they don't do it justice.  We found out yesterday that two teenage boys were killed during the storm when a tree fell on the car they were sitting in.  Please pray for their families.

On Saturday, we got the call that our friends had delivered their baby girl and we were excited to get the news. 

But later in the day I was hit by feelings of sadness - mostly about us not getting to have a baby yet and sad that our baby wasn't still growing in me.  And I've been sad about this before so that wasn't all that different.  But there was also a restlessness in the sadness, and I wrestled with it all night.  And then this morning during worship, our pastor prayed for all those with hurting hearts, and encouraged us to seek His face even in our hurt and disappointment (he knows about our miscarriage and sometimes, although I know he is praying for the whole congregation, I feel like he is speaking right to my heart).  I teared up for a few minutes.  And then as we sang another song, our worship leader encouraged us to get our hearts right with God, just listen to what He has to say and open our hearts to it.  And you know what, I shocked the crap out of myself.  Because I didn't meekly ask for forgiveness or for any specific prayer request.  I got angry.  Really, stinking, raging angry. 

(I'm digressing here for a second but I want to refer you back to a postby Angie Smith on her blog Bring the Rain.  I read this post in the midst of the miscarriage and I remember sobbing it out to God.  If you haven't been yet, go check out her story and the entire entry.  But I'll post this here for the link-weary, and for the sake of brevity, this was the most important part of the post for me.  Angie writes,

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.  Good grief, I believe she was speaking right to me.  And this thought, this entire post has been with me ever since.  Digression over.

 

And it was weird.  I remember being sad and disappointed and hurt and let down and fragile and unloved.  But I haven't felt this kind of rage in a very long time, if ever.  And I don't know if I've ever been angry like this at God.  And I told Him so.  I told Him how angry I am that I see all these other people, some who don't even want them, having babies, getting to be parents, blah, blah, blah. And you know what - He took it.  He took it and then He filled me with a peace.  He still left me some of the anger, because He knows I need to work that out, but he also gave me this peace that told me, reassures me that He does have it all under control.  And whether I cry or scream or rage or be still, He will be there.  He is there.  He is here. 

And now I am simply tired.  Not exhausted.  But tired.  Ready to sleep and dream and pray and to wake up to a new tomorrow that He has planned for me. 

Good night, Friends.

A Reminder - Live in the Now!

I saw this a month or so ago on Ms. Fitzita's blog.  And I'm posting it today - as a reminder to myself and for some special friends.

The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, 'Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.'

I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead 'I will come next Tuesday', I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.
Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

'Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!'

My daughter smiled calmly and said, 'We drive in this all the time, Mother..'

'Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!' I assured her.

'But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks,' Carolyn said. 'I'll drive. I'm used to this.'

'Carolyn,' I said sternly, 'Please turn around.'

'It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.'

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, '

Daffodil

Garden

.' We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

'Who did this?' I asked Carolyn. 'Just one woman,' Carolyn answered. 'She lives on the property. That's her home.' Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. 'Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking', was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. '50,000 bulbs,' it read. The second answer was, 'One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.' The third answer was, 'Began in 1958.'

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.

'It makes me sad in a way,' I admitted to Carolyn. 'What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!'

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. 'Start tomorrow,' she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, 'How can I put this to use today?'

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting...

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs..
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

A New Day Dawns

Thank you all so much for continuing to cover me in prayer. There have been some very good moments this weekend. I still have panicky feelings and lots of anxiety but bit by bit I am feeling better.

While I was home on Friday, a friend who saw my blog post called - and she said something that I know some of you have said and I know my DH has said but it finally sank in. Even in this valley, I try to be in control, try to make myself feel better, try to take care of others. She encouraged me to just be, to be in the moment, to fully rest in God. And God and I have had some very good moments this weekend.

I have made the decision to try and go to work on Monday and see how it goes. I will see how I do and if it's not going well, I have my boss' blessing to leave when I need to. Knowing this was my decision, I've been all over the place today emotionally. I know Satan is lurking but I know my God is bigger and mightier and is holding me close.

And once again I am asking you to pray. Please pray that I will be comforted and remember I just have to get thru this moment, that all will go well at work and God will bless those efforts, and for a peaceful night's sleep each night this week, for good rest. I absolutely covet those prayers right now.