Words of a Life

Held

Our infertility/loss journey is now in its 6th year and we have been so blessed to have very supportive friends and family supporting us through this journey.

But both Chris and I also credit another group of people for their support.  In late 2006, I found an online community of Christian women at a site called Hannah's Prayer.  These women lifted me in prayer, laughed with me, cried with me, and most importantly, simply loved on me over these past several years.  

And now, they are taking a step out in faith and starting a new blog - Held.  

Isn't that the perfect title???  I love it. 

Held.

Held in the palm of His hand.

Held in His love.

Held.

Ten days from now you can experience some of the love and wisdom I've been privy to since joining Hannah's Prayer.   Check out the awesome linky doodad button on my sidebar.

Mark your calendars.  Don't miss out.  

This, this is the good stuff.  

2011 - so far

I had such great aspirations for blogging this year.  To be perfectly honest, I just haven't been feeling it.  I shall attempt to do better in the months to come.

Moving on.

Life has been busy, full of lots of little twists and turns and ups and downs and in just the 79 days that have come and gone so far in 2011, life has simply demanded to be lived.  

Already we've said goodbye to some dear ones, and hello to others. We've celebrated and we've mourned. We've made it thru what seem to be the last vestiges of winter, and are now anticipating spring. We've dreamt little dreams, and now are dreaming bigger dreams. We have danced and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, and we have gone to bed at 9:00 pm and slept in until 10:00 am. We've planned and prepared and proposed and presented and simply prayed. We've let go of some of the little things - the happiness suckers - and we've opened our hearts to the endless possibilities and hopes for the future. We have loved and laughed and cried and sassed and smiled and demanded and believed. We've eaten waffles and brisket and played cards and board games. We've cleaned and sorted and shoved stuff under the bed to be dealt with at a yet to be determined time. And we watched movies and fought zombies and fixed  broken cars and wrestled with giggly 2-yr olds who ply us with, "Again! Do again!" We have driven hundreds of miles, earned special tickets for going fast, and we have stayed home, snuggled up on the couch watching animated movies that make us smile and cry. We have captured moments in pixels and kilobytes and wavelengths.  

We have simply refused to give up, to stop living, loving, breathing, being.

And thru it all we remember this:

 

God is very seldom early, but He is never, ever late.

Waiting Room

After yet another piece of hard news, a friend shared this song with me.  It seems to fit our situation so well, yet I imagine it also is a good fit for so many people waiting for something or someone.

 

 

 

God With Us

Have been feeling pretty incommunicado lately but wanted to stop by to wish each of you a Merry Christmas.  

Christmas is very different this year than how we thought it would be.  Our hearts still ache and our arms are still empty, but we are so very thankful for the love of our Savior, so very blessed that He would come here, and take human form, to save us from ourselves.

This Christmas we give honor and glory to our Emmanuel, our God with us.

Be blessed, dear friends, and Merry Christmas.

National Adoption Month

It's National Adoption Month.  If you go here, you can read the Presidential Proclamation.  For many reasons, this month is dear to our hearts.  Even if your life hasn't been touched by adoption, bets are it will be at some point.  You can get involved with National Adoption Month using one of these handy calendars.  Today's activity is to read an adoption-specific book.   I've slowly been working my way through The Spirit of Open Adoption by James Gritter and I had a few minutes to skim the current chapter I'm in.

There's so much more to write, but two visitations and two funerals in two days has about done me in and most of the action is yet to come tomorrow. 

Because My Phone Doesn't Ring Anymore

This post by Chalica over at All Up in the Kool-Aid has been on my mind since I first read it two weeks ago.  The quote she references will not leave my brain.  Unfortunately, my heart can already speak to the truth contained in that little quote. 

But then I remember what really matters:

Here's the link to the actual music video and below is a slideshow set to the song. 

 

Another Quote - Because I Like Quotes

Someone posted the following on a forum that I am a member of.  It was originally a friend of their's Facebook status.  Spacing, underlining, and bolding are my emphases.

 

Everyone is aware of breast cancer.

 But did you know that 1 in 4 women expirience miscarriage, stillbirth, or an infant loss? 1 in 4!!!

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...society has deemed this a taboo subject.

Spread the word that Oct. 15 is National Pregnacy, Stillbirth, Infant Loss Remeberance Day.

 

How poignant, how true is that statement? 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

 

There is no adoption loss remembance day.  I checked. 

 

Our social workers told us that the pain we feel is similar to what one would go thru with a miscarriage or still birth.  Having experienced a miscarriage, I would definitely liken this pain more to a still birth.  It doesn't matter really, because I refuse to get into the "my grief is worse than your grief" game with anyone.  Bottom line, we are still hurting.  It will be 8 weeks on Monday and there are still so many moments where we are just raw. 

 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

 

Many of our family and friends expect us to be back to normal already.  We're not.  We won't be for a long time.  We might never be. 

 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

Randomness

Randomness bulleted - you've been warned:

• The weather this weekend has been dark and cold and gloomy.  I like it.  I think it reminded me that fall is on it's way and I'm down with that.
• We went to a visitation/funeral this weekend for a dearly loved man.  He went out in style - in a parade of sorts, pulled in a wagon by a John Deere tractor and followed by 3 more of his beloved tractors.  It would have been a grand day for a parade except for the cold and thunder and lightning and pouring rain - a bit miserable for the mourners but definitely memorable.
• Got to see lots of friends for very brief moments of time this weekend.  Over the past year that we've lived here, we have realized that life went on in our old town without us.  This weekend was a bittersweet reminder that we are loved and missed. 
• Ever since the failed placement, I really have not wanted to be touched, except by Chris.  I almost feel bereft if he isn't touching me.  We are not normally cuddly when we are going to sleep but over the past month it seems like one or the other of us has a hand reaching out, touching an arm or tummy or shoulder.  It just feels better that way.
• But I haven't wanted to be touched by others.  Little kids are OK, but not adults.  The whole thing is weird really since I am a total touch person - hugs, holding hands, snuggling.  I knew I was going to get hugged, like it or not, this weekend.  I tried not to let the thought of the impending hugs freak me out.  And yes, there were lots of hugs, some were weird, most were OK, some were very, very nice.  The hugs from my dearest friends were the best - it was just nice to be there with them, and get/give a hug and not have to say much   One woman was standing beside me and just kind of pulled my head into her shoulder and held me there - very "mom"ish.  Even that was OK.  One person grabbed me and kept telling me how beautiful I was - um, that one was a little weird.  What I knew though was that everyone who hugged and attempted to hug us did so out of love and caring for us, and that made it all OK.
• I jacked up my ankle and have no idea what I did.  It's been hurting for over a week.  And yet, I chose to wear my adorable black bow heels on Friday night.  Yep, that didn't help the ankle so much, neither did running thru the cemetary and jumping over headstones in slippery sandals in the pouring rain.  Plan of action - ice and ibuprofen, and maybe a doctor visit this week.
• With 207,000 miles on our 9 year old vehicle, we are finally, finally facing the fact that we may not get another year out of our little red Ford.  We are hoping for another 9 months at least - next June or July would be perfect - but we are also trying to prepare ourselves.  I've been cruising Ebay, Craig's List, and other used car sites and trying to find the car I want.  We kind of know that we'd like to move on to minivan land and have been asking friends for their recommendations.  Some of our friends are huge Saturn lovers, and another friend drove a Saturn Relay which she highly recommended.  It is what we are leaning toward right now but who knows when our trustly little truck will head to that junkyard in the sky.  Personally, I think both of us, while we'd prefer it to not happen soon, also can't wait to get rid of the manual transmission with all the city driving we do.
• We haven't heard much from our agency lately.  They were having a family outing on Saturday which we skipped to go to the funeral.  Our social worker goes on maternity leave soon so we have another social worker who will be working with us if the need arrives - that's social worker #4.  We've been really blessed with great social workers but had no idea that over the course of 9 months, we'd be dealing with 4 of them. 
• We had some Target gift cards burning a hole in our pocket so we went and picked up this last weekend.  I put it together last night.  It is adorable and easy to put together and, honestly, I love it.  It's weird but we really haven't bought a lot for Future Little One (FLO).  Our crib was given to us, we bought the dresser used from my cousin, we've been given bouncers, changing pad, toys, clothes, diaper bags, bathtubs, walkers, etc.  Friends went together to purchase our carseat/stroller system; my in-laws bought our pack & play/play yard; other friends gave us a beautiful adoption themed baby book; shortly before Not Our Baby was due, my cousin's wife showed up with a basket full of stuff - swaddlers, bottle brush and drying rack, formula containers, bibs, blankets, washcloths, etc.  We hadn't really purchased anything major - we'd picked up some diapers and outfits, pacifiers, socks, a couple of blankets, but nothing big.  So even though this only cost us $5 out of pocket, it felt huge to be buying something for our FLO. 
• It's almost the end of the fiscal year.  This is probably going to be one of my nuttiest weeks at work. 
• I got an email from my mom asking what we wanted for our birthdays - Chris's was in April, mine was in July. I can't help but wonder if she's just trying ensure that we get her a birthday gift in December. 
• It's 10:06 pm.  Must go to bed.
• Good gracious, I am wordy in my randomness.
• This is one of my absolute favorite songs ever (You'll have to hit pause on the sidebar player) for obvious reasons.

 

 

**Updated**First I Rant, Then I Count My Blessings

I've written posts in my head.  Posts about how we are doing, blah, blah, blah.  The good moments make for boring blogging.  I'll bore you another day.

Right now, I'm pretty pissed.  Not at our situation even but at how some of our friends are handling our situation.  If you are a friend and you are reading this post on my blog, you are probably safe from my wrath.  It's the friends that don't read this blog that I have had it with. 

To keep them straight, here's a bulleted list:

• To the idiot co-worker "friend" who thinks it's helpful to tell me we'll get a baby, but "you know, you might have to wait a year or even two or three to get picked again."  Seriously?  Do you honestly think this is helpful?  And you know how you keep asking questions about us and the agency and if I've heard from them, I understand that you pretty much just want to ensure that you are the first person to know when we are chosen again.  Guess what?  You will find out that we got chosen again when I don't show up to work for 12 weeks straight.  You are not to be trusted.  I learned my lesson.  I am not stupid.
• To the flaky friend who made a huge deal out of wanting to buy our stroller/carseat for us.  Please spare the rest of the world your drama and stop offering to buy gifts that you don't ever intend to purchase.  And don't suggest that someone orders their "gift" themselves and that you'll reimburse them.  That is not a gift; it is a reimbursement.  We bought the stroller/carseat.  We are keeping it for the baby we know will come home with us someday.  We are no longer holding our breaths waiting for you to send us the "gift money."  In fact, please return the money to the people you got it from, or give it to charity, or something.  Thank you for apologizing.  Thank you for the stroller.  No, my husband won't beat you up this weekend.
• To the flaky friend who emails and asks if it's OK to call, and when given the OK, chooses to not call, again, spare me your drama.  Don't tell people that you have spoken with me and I'm doing OK.  You have not spoken with me and I'm not OK.  Here's two words you need to learn - follow through.  Thank you for being gracious and realizing you screwed up.  I want to think it will all be OK in time, but my expectations are and will be much, much lower. 
• To the mom friend who said you believe you know EXACTLY how I feel, you don't.  You have a child, I don't.  You have NO idea how I feel.  End of discussion.  Can we just agree that we both have felt pain and neither of us can every fully understand the other?
• To the friend who keeps reminding me that you are sad too, I get it.  I get that you are grieving for me, but I cannot handle your grief.  I cannot handle your hugs.  I cannot handle your pity. 

I could go on and on.

But there is another list I need to share, because I refuse to let the anger win right now.  And to be honest, yes, I'm angry about our situation but there is a lot of crap going down right now and it's making it hard to deal. 

And then there are my blessings: 

• Chris - you are the bestest husband ever.  Yep, this is definitely part of our broken road. 
• Amy - my dear friend who knows my heart better than anyone right now.  God gave me you to get me thru this.  Thank you for the texts, phone calls, visits, emails, etc. 
• Amyla - my oldest friend, you too know my heart.  Thank you for being here when it really mattered, for knowing that I may not want to talk, and for loving me.
• My big sister - for letting me talk, for giving me space, for being the family buffer. 
• Jes - for giving me space, listening, letting me ramble, blah, blah, blah.  A+, friend, A+.
• Jen - we barely know each other but thank you for reaching out.  You are one of the few people who do really understand how I feel.  Thank you for validating my feelings, letting me rant, and helping me laugh thru the tears.
• Sarah - you may not be my real cousin, but you are family.  Thank you for opening your home, feeding us, checking in on us, sharing your boys, etc.  It means the world to us.
• My HP5 - Heather, Mer, Meg, Rach, Sarah - thank you for knowing what I've needed and loving me thru it all.
• Michelle - you too are one of the few who know exactly how I feel.  Thanks for loving on us.
• Kari & Christina - our social workers, thank you for checking on us, praying for us, recognizing this as a loss, and giving us the resources that we may need to move thru this. 

Again, I could go on. 

For every stupid, inane person we've encountered, someone has quietly loved on us. 

For every hurtful comment, there were prayers said for us. 

Just moments ago I checked my email.  A dear friend is losing her father tonight.  He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and is not expected to be of this earth much longer.  I sent her a brief email earlier this evening letting her know our thoughts and prayers were with her and her family.  She just responded thanking me for the prayers and wanting to know how we are doing.  Humbled.

Psalm 27:13-14

Of this I am still confident, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the livng.  Wait on the Lord, be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord.

Scratch That

Never mind.

We found out this morning that the baby girl was born yesterday.

We found out 2 hours later that the birthmom was choosing to parent.

We have no words, only hurting hearts.  There is no blame to be placed, no harsh words that need to be said.

We simply need to process and heal.  We are so thanful for the prayers and thoughts already being said/thought on our behalf.  We have our moments of tears and overwhelming sadness but honestly we have felt so loved, so held.

We would so appreciate your thoughts and prayers during this time, not only for us, but for the birthmom and her beautiful little girl as they move forward as a family.

"God gives, God takes, God's name be ever blessed." Job 1:21