Words of a Life

Held

Our infertility/loss journey is now in its 6th year and we have been so blessed to have very supportive friends and family supporting us through this journey.

But both Chris and I also credit another group of people for their support.  In late 2006, I found an online community of Christian women at a site called Hannah's Prayer.  These women lifted me in prayer, laughed with me, cried with me, and most importantly, simply loved on me over these past several years.  

And now, they are taking a step out in faith and starting a new blog - Held.  

Isn't that the perfect title???  I love it. 

Held.

Held in the palm of His hand.

Held in His love.

Held.

Ten days from now you can experience some of the love and wisdom I've been privy to since joining Hannah's Prayer.   Check out the awesome linky doodad button on my sidebar.

Mark your calendars.  Don't miss out.  

This, this is the good stuff.  

Waiting Room

After yet another piece of hard news, a friend shared this song with me.  It seems to fit our situation so well, yet I imagine it also is a good fit for so many people waiting for something or someone.

 

 

 

Because of Isaac

There is this amazing lady that I claim to know.  Her name is Wendy and I met her through Hannah's Prayer.  I've written about Hannah's Prayer before - it is a forum for Christian women dealing with infertility and infant loss.  Wendy's story has given me a lot of hope over the past few years. 

Anyway, a couple of years ago, Wendy and her husband adopted a sweet, sweet little guy named Isaac.  And now, they want to do more.  They have started their own foundation to help other families trying to adopt.  

It is called Because of Isaac.  Please go visit this site to see how you can help.

 

 

 

Another Quote - Because I Like Quotes

Someone posted the following on a forum that I am a member of.  It was originally a friend of their's Facebook status.  Spacing, underlining, and bolding are my emphases.

 

Everyone is aware of breast cancer.

 But did you know that 1 in 4 women expirience miscarriage, stillbirth, or an infant loss? 1 in 4!!!

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...society has deemed this a taboo subject.

Spread the word that Oct. 15 is National Pregnacy, Stillbirth, Infant Loss Remeberance Day.

 

How poignant, how true is that statement? 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

 

There is no adoption loss remembance day.  I checked. 

 

Our social workers told us that the pain we feel is similar to what one would go thru with a miscarriage or still birth.  Having experienced a miscarriage, I would definitely liken this pain more to a still birth.  It doesn't matter really, because I refuse to get into the "my grief is worse than your grief" game with anyone.  Bottom line, we are still hurting.  It will be 8 weeks on Monday and there are still so many moments where we are just raw. 

 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

 

Many of our family and friends expect us to be back to normal already.  We're not.  We won't be for a long time.  We might never be. 

 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

Infertility Analogy

I’m not sure who wrote this but I’ve seen it several times on various forums and blogs.  I recently saw it again and decided to share it here.

A Trip to Australia

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible: traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.

This Crazy Little Thing Called Grief

I'll be honest - I'm kind of crabby.

Actually, I'm very happy and generally in a great mood.  And, to be fair, maybe crabby isn't the right word. 

Anxious.  Yep, I'm feeling moments of anxiousness - not necessarily anxiety, but anxiousness.  And out of sorts.  Like something is just not totally in its place.

I think I kind of figured it out on Saturday.  We had a lovely, relaxing Saturday.  We worked out and I caught up on laundry (something I actually enjoy doing), Chris perfected some of his Chinese cooking (we now have a fridge stocked with chicken fried rice, beef & broccoli and General Tsao's chicken) - just hung out and did what we wanted.  That evening we were going to be watching my cousin's two little boys (age 2 & 6) and I wanted to do a few errands so we headed into town a bit early. 

We made a couple of stops and then headed to the cemetary.  I'd been wanting to go for several months but the weather wasn't very cooperative.  I don't normally find a lot of comfort in going to the cemetary, nor is it a place where I habitually break down or cry.  (In fact, I haven't cried there, at all.  Well, OK, I cried at the burial.  They played Taps and presnted the flag and, oh dude, did my dad ever love Taps, and all I could think of was him humming it at these random moments.  But I don't think I've cried since then, at least at the cemetary.)  It is really more something I feel like I need to do.  I know my dad is not there.  I don't feel close to him there, but I still feel like I need to go.

This time was different.  For the first time, I lost it.  Competely lost it.  Sat there and sobbed.  Uncontrollably, gasping for air and snotting all over the place.  And just when I thought it was done, it started again.  And again.  I realized how very, very badly I miss my dad.  How much this sucks to be going thru all of this without him.  And that my kids (future tense) aren't going to know him here.  And that it's been 2 years since the miscarriage.  Which means soon it will be 2 years since he's been gone.  And it's been almost 9 years since the strokes.  Which means Mother's Day (my least favorite holiday) is just a couple weeks away.  And it all just rolled into one gigantic serving of grief. 

After about 20 minutes,  I finally let Chris hug me (oh yeah, I'd pushed him away earlier because he brought up a touchy subject on the way to the cemetary - not my finest moment), we got in the car and left.  I cried halfway to my cousin's house.  And then I wrestled with 2 of the cutest little boys, watched Ghostbusters and served Goldfish (the snack that smiles back) and snuggled and tucked them into bed, relishing every second. 

It is still with me, this intense grief.  But then it always will be.

And the anxiety, that anxious feeling, it is still there too.  But now, despite the anxiousness, there is also a peace, a peace that comes from knowing I have loved and been loved deeply in return.

 

PS - for any of you who have ever said to an adopting/adoptive couple/family/person, "Now that you are adopting/have adopted, you just wait, now you'll get pregant," - Go suck an egg!  Rant post coming soon!

 

A New Year, A New Decade, A New Journey

And exhale. 

2009 is officially history. 

Looking back, it's been such a bittersweet year.  The sorrows were many but thankfully the joys still outnumbered them.   There were so many hellos and goodbyes.

·     Goodbye extra weight (for a little while at least), old town, soil con job, ttc, awesome little church, amazing friends, country house, debt

·     Hello new town, awesome program specialist job, big growing-on-us church, Hannah friends, small town house, new beginnings

For the past couple years I've decided not to do resolutions.  I do want to lose weight (nothing new there) and have some goals to make that happen.  And Chris and I will be embarking on a life changing journey and we are hopeful.  Details will be shared here as available. 

Instead of resolutions I've done an "I Am going to Try" List.  And it's worked.  I really try to do these things.  And despite the changes 2009 has brought, I can honestly say that this year has been more fulfilling and hope-filled than years past.  I've kept most of my previous ideas and added a few more.

• I am going to try to look for the good, the hidden joy, the sweet poignancy, in each moment.
• I am going to try to overlook the slights, the insults, the mean or just-not-quite-so-nice comments.
• I am going to try to tell the people I love that I love them more often.
• I am going to try to let down my guard and let a few more people in.
• I am going to try to hug more often.
• I am going to try to harbor hurts less.
• I am going to try to really be a better wife, friend, employee.
• I am going to try to snuggle more babies and little ones.
• I am going to try to relax and dance with my husband whenever and wherever he wants - the kitchen, the grocery store aisles, in the snow - whenever, wherever.
• I am going to try to be thankful, really thankful all the time.
• I am going to try to stay in better contact with my amazing friends.
• I am going to try to complain less and praise more.
• I am going to try to embrace hope more, and show bitter to the door.
• I am going to try to love more.

One final goodbye...

Goodbye Kelly - a part of our hearts went with you...

Goodbye 2009

Hello 2010

Recap

Hmm, almost 3 months of non-blogging - definitely not a record but still a sizeable absence. 

Let's recap my from last real post -

• We've been here almost 5 months.  Again, good but tough months.  We are settling in although we still miss our Harlan/Irwin friends.
• We are starting to kind of have friends here.  We are now in a Life Group through church and went to a movie last week with one of the couples.  And some of them came to our annual Christmas party.
• We now have no immediate family here.  Mom moved in November.  But we have cousins, very lovely cousins.  My cousin Tina and her family had us over for Thanksgiving dinner and her sister invited us for Christmas.  We didn't make it for obvious reasons.  And my cousin Tom and his wife had us over for a pre-Thanksgiving celebration and we've been able to hang out with them a bit.
• The job is still awesome!  Love my boss, love most of my co-workers, love the field office staffs I get to work with, love the State Office staff I get to work with - just pretty darn happy with the work situation!  And very hard to believe that I've been here almost 6 months - I honestly learn something new every day.  Love!
• Chris is still loving working from home too.  Loves the rolling out of bed at 7:59 and being at work at 8:00 aspect!
• The house is still wonderful and it has become home.  We officially hung pictures and prints and decorated around the 1st of December.  Which was then followed with frantic Christmas decorating in time for our annual Christmas Open House on the 12th.  And yes, our house can hold LOTS of people at once!
• Church was the one area where we were really struggling back in September.  I am very, very happy to report that we like it.  We really, really like it.  Chris is now co-teaching the 8th grade boys on Wednesday nights and we are starting to meet people.  We got involved with a Life Group and feel incredibly blessed by those God has placed in our group.  We are currently studing The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley and it has been a great experience.  We also love our pastor's teaching style (Deed - reminds me of Dave Bartlett!) and the sermons are fantastic.  We are enjoying being in a church where a lot of folks step forward to help in ministries and we are not required to serve in an area we don't feel led to serve in. 
• Infertility/babies, etc.  Not a lot to say. We've enjoyed a lovely break for the past 6+ months - simply focusing on each other and our relationship and relaxing.  It's been wonderful.  Is there more to come?  Yep, but we are just not ready to share on this blog yet. Stay tuned.

So what else has been happening, you wonder.  Great question!

• Um, lots of relaxing!
• Quick trip to KC for our 4th anniversary!  Got to meet some dear online friends for the first time in person!  Wonderful weekend and beautiful weather.
• Planning a mid-February trip to AZ to spend a week with Chris's parents.  And I'm so hoping I get to meet up with a couple of my dear Hannah's Prayer friends, as well as our friend Stacy.  Wish, wish, wish!
• Lovely Christmas celebration - just Chris and I as we were snowed in.  Still hoping to see family later tomorrow or this week.
• Looking forward to 2010 and all it has to offer.

I'll post our Christmas card that my awesome friend Amy made for us - if you need cards or invites of any kind go visit her website at ZaZaZoo Cards & Invites!

Vacation, Babies, and Good Times

We are almost done with Vacation Day #5.  I refuse to start the countdown to when we head home.  It's been fun and we have stuff planned for the next few days which should result in even more fun.  

So far, we've:

• driven many miles - about 12 hours - with an overnight stop in Kalamazoo.
• played countless games of Settlers of Catan and Ticket to Ride - the guys are currently working on playing Puerto Rico while I type.
• walked miles around the house bouncing Elena (adorable 3 1/2 month old niece).
• celebrated Marshall's 3rd birthday (adorable nephew).
• had a great dinner and watched several communites' displays of fireworks from our hill west of the expressway with some of our favorite Michigan friends.
• shopped and picked up several cute pieces of clothing (me with my sil and her other sil, not the boys) at the new outdoor mall in my in-laws town.
• made a quick run to a neighboring town to see if my mother-in-law was right that there really is a White Castle - she's right, and her sons thank her for that!
• Visited more with awesome friends and hung out with the fam.

Coming attractions over the next few days include:

• visiting a local toy store where our friend works followed by fun at the local waterpark.
• meeting up with two, possibly three, virtual friends from Hannah's Prayer - an IF website/forum that I frequent.
• celebrating my 34th birthday with friends and family on Tuesday.
• a quick trip to Frankenmuth, and in particular, this store followed by dinner and an evening with friends. 
• and yet more visiting with friends
• and all this before heading for home late Saturday afternoon.

Hmm, so much more to say and share but it's late (not adjusting to the hour time difference at all!) and I have to be on my toes tomorrow trailing a 3-year old. 

But a final observation.  We've been helping take care of our niece and nephew, and even kept them for a day and night so their parents could take care of some stuff.  Chris mainly played with Marshall and I've been taking care of Elena.  It has been very bittersweet.  Last night as I gave Elena a bath in the kitchen sink, my mother-in-law commented that I'm a natural.  I almost cried - it was the highest of praise from her and showed me that she sees how much I love these children.  A bit later on, Chris and I took a walk thru the subdivision, Chris carrying Elena.  We ran into several of my in-law's neighbors, all very friendly and admiring of our sweet little niece.  After the 3rd or 4th comment, about the same time, Chris and I both started saying how we felt like frauds - parading around with this baby that isn't even ours.  My darling husband then looped an arm around me and hoisted our niece higher on his shoulder and assured me that we would have a baby of our own, he was sure of it.  I'm going to trust him on this one, a submission to his will, if you please.  This amazing man has yet to lead me astray.

After looking back over the past few months of blogging that there are several subjects I need to go back and address as I'd like them recorded for posterity's sake.  So expect some randome subject posts in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, praying you are all having great summers!

The Storm of Death and A Side of Rage

I am not going to apologize for not posting lately.  Or make excuses.  It just hasn't happened.  But I'm back for the moment.

Looking back over the weekend, I stand in awe of the awesome power of God.  On Friday afternoon, Chris and I ran down to the city for a doctor appointment and to pick up a few gifts.  We didn't plan on doing much shopping as we had a youth event we needed to get back to town for.  After our appointment, we swung by the big Christian book and gift store and found what we needed.  As we were paying, a guy in line beside us got a phone call and told his wife that the sirens were going off in our area.  But it looked sunny outside from our angle.  We walked outside and Chris turned back to the west - and interrupted me to say, "Get in the car now!"  There was a huge, dark, low-hanging wall cloud bearing down on us.  We hopped in and tried to get out of Omaha - except so was everyone else.  We were in stop-and-go traffic on the interstate when the storm hit a few minutes later.  It was insane - winds gusting to hurricane force, torrential rain in an already saturated area, and bucketloads of hail.  I was nervous - but taking pictures.  Chris thought it was awesome and kept calling friends to tell them that we were in the Storm of Death.  I'll upload pictures later but they don't do it justice.  We found out yesterday that two teenage boys were killed during the storm when a tree fell on the car they were sitting in.  Please pray for their families.

On Saturday, we got the call that our friends had delivered their baby girl and we were excited to get the news. 

But later in the day I was hit by feelings of sadness - mostly about us not getting to have a baby yet and sad that our baby wasn't still growing in me.  And I've been sad about this before so that wasn't all that different.  But there was also a restlessness in the sadness, and I wrestled with it all night.  And then this morning during worship, our pastor prayed for all those with hurting hearts, and encouraged us to seek His face even in our hurt and disappointment (he knows about our miscarriage and sometimes, although I know he is praying for the whole congregation, I feel like he is speaking right to my heart).  I teared up for a few minutes.  And then as we sang another song, our worship leader encouraged us to get our hearts right with God, just listen to what He has to say and open our hearts to it.  And you know what, I shocked the crap out of myself.  Because I didn't meekly ask for forgiveness or for any specific prayer request.  I got angry.  Really, stinking, raging angry. 

(I'm digressing here for a second but I want to refer you back to a postby Angie Smith on her blog Bring the Rain.  I read this post in the midst of the miscarriage and I remember sobbing it out to God.  If you haven't been yet, go check out her story and the entire entry.  But I'll post this here for the link-weary, and for the sake of brevity, this was the most important part of the post for me.  Angie writes,

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.  Good grief, I believe she was speaking right to me.  And this thought, this entire post has been with me ever since.  Digression over.

 

And it was weird.  I remember being sad and disappointed and hurt and let down and fragile and unloved.  But I haven't felt this kind of rage in a very long time, if ever.  And I don't know if I've ever been angry like this at God.  And I told Him so.  I told Him how angry I am that I see all these other people, some who don't even want them, having babies, getting to be parents, blah, blah, blah. And you know what - He took it.  He took it and then He filled me with a peace.  He still left me some of the anger, because He knows I need to work that out, but he also gave me this peace that told me, reassures me that He does have it all under control.  And whether I cry or scream or rage or be still, He will be there.  He is there.  He is here. 

And now I am simply tired.  Not exhausted.  But tired.  Ready to sleep and dream and pray and to wake up to a new tomorrow that He has planned for me. 

Good night, Friends.