Words of a Life

Held

Our infertility/loss journey is now in its 6th year and we have been so blessed to have very supportive friends and family supporting us through this journey.

But both Chris and I also credit another group of people for their support.  In late 2006, I found an online community of Christian women at a site called Hannah's Prayer.  These women lifted me in prayer, laughed with me, cried with me, and most importantly, simply loved on me over these past several years.  

And now, they are taking a step out in faith and starting a new blog - Held.  

Isn't that the perfect title???  I love it. 

Held.

Held in the palm of His hand.

Held in His love.

Held.

Ten days from now you can experience some of the love and wisdom I've been privy to since joining Hannah's Prayer.   Check out the awesome linky doodad button on my sidebar.

Mark your calendars.  Don't miss out.  

This, this is the good stuff.  

2011 - so far

I had such great aspirations for blogging this year.  To be perfectly honest, I just haven't been feeling it.  I shall attempt to do better in the months to come.

Moving on.

Life has been busy, full of lots of little twists and turns and ups and downs and in just the 79 days that have come and gone so far in 2011, life has simply demanded to be lived.  

Already we've said goodbye to some dear ones, and hello to others. We've celebrated and we've mourned. We've made it thru what seem to be the last vestiges of winter, and are now anticipating spring. We've dreamt little dreams, and now are dreaming bigger dreams. We have danced and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, and we have gone to bed at 9:00 pm and slept in until 10:00 am. We've planned and prepared and proposed and presented and simply prayed. We've let go of some of the little things - the happiness suckers - and we've opened our hearts to the endless possibilities and hopes for the future. We have loved and laughed and cried and sassed and smiled and demanded and believed. We've eaten waffles and brisket and played cards and board games. We've cleaned and sorted and shoved stuff under the bed to be dealt with at a yet to be determined time. And we watched movies and fought zombies and fixed  broken cars and wrestled with giggly 2-yr olds who ply us with, "Again! Do again!" We have driven hundreds of miles, earned special tickets for going fast, and we have stayed home, snuggled up on the couch watching animated movies that make us smile and cry. We have captured moments in pixels and kilobytes and wavelengths.  

We have simply refused to give up, to stop living, loving, breathing, being.

And thru it all we remember this:

 

God is very seldom early, but He is never, ever late.

Waiting Room

After yet another piece of hard news, a friend shared this song with me.  It seems to fit our situation so well, yet I imagine it also is a good fit for so many people waiting for something or someone.

 

 

 

God With Us

Have been feeling pretty incommunicado lately but wanted to stop by to wish each of you a Merry Christmas.  

Christmas is very different this year than how we thought it would be.  Our hearts still ache and our arms are still empty, but we are so very thankful for the love of our Savior, so very blessed that He would come here, and take human form, to save us from ourselves.

This Christmas we give honor and glory to our Emmanuel, our God with us.

Be blessed, dear friends, and Merry Christmas.

Because My Phone Doesn't Ring Anymore

This post by Chalica over at All Up in the Kool-Aid has been on my mind since I first read it two weeks ago.  The quote she references will not leave my brain.  Unfortunately, my heart can already speak to the truth contained in that little quote. 

But then I remember what really matters:

Here's the link to the actual music video and below is a slideshow set to the song. 

 

Another Quote - Because I Like Quotes

Someone posted the following on a forum that I am a member of.  It was originally a friend of their's Facebook status.  Spacing, underlining, and bolding are my emphases.

 

Everyone is aware of breast cancer.

 But did you know that 1 in 4 women expirience miscarriage, stillbirth, or an infant loss? 1 in 4!!!

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...society has deemed this a taboo subject.

Spread the word that Oct. 15 is National Pregnacy, Stillbirth, Infant Loss Remeberance Day.

 

How poignant, how true is that statement? 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

 

There is no adoption loss remembance day.  I checked. 

 

Our social workers told us that the pain we feel is similar to what one would go thru with a miscarriage or still birth.  Having experienced a miscarriage, I would definitely liken this pain more to a still birth.  It doesn't matter really, because I refuse to get into the "my grief is worse than your grief" game with anyone.  Bottom line, we are still hurting.  It will be 8 weeks on Monday and there are still so many moments where we are just raw. 

 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

 

Many of our family and friends expect us to be back to normal already.  We're not.  We won't be for a long time.  We might never be. 

 

The grief far outlasts the sympathy...

**Updated**First I Rant, Then I Count My Blessings

I've written posts in my head.  Posts about how we are doing, blah, blah, blah.  The good moments make for boring blogging.  I'll bore you another day.

Right now, I'm pretty pissed.  Not at our situation even but at how some of our friends are handling our situation.  If you are a friend and you are reading this post on my blog, you are probably safe from my wrath.  It's the friends that don't read this blog that I have had it with. 

To keep them straight, here's a bulleted list:

• To the idiot co-worker "friend" who thinks it's helpful to tell me we'll get a baby, but "you know, you might have to wait a year or even two or three to get picked again."  Seriously?  Do you honestly think this is helpful?  And you know how you keep asking questions about us and the agency and if I've heard from them, I understand that you pretty much just want to ensure that you are the first person to know when we are chosen again.  Guess what?  You will find out that we got chosen again when I don't show up to work for 12 weeks straight.  You are not to be trusted.  I learned my lesson.  I am not stupid.
• To the flaky friend who made a huge deal out of wanting to buy our stroller/carseat for us.  Please spare the rest of the world your drama and stop offering to buy gifts that you don't ever intend to purchase.  And don't suggest that someone orders their "gift" themselves and that you'll reimburse them.  That is not a gift; it is a reimbursement.  We bought the stroller/carseat.  We are keeping it for the baby we know will come home with us someday.  We are no longer holding our breaths waiting for you to send us the "gift money."  In fact, please return the money to the people you got it from, or give it to charity, or something.  Thank you for apologizing.  Thank you for the stroller.  No, my husband won't beat you up this weekend.
• To the flaky friend who emails and asks if it's OK to call, and when given the OK, chooses to not call, again, spare me your drama.  Don't tell people that you have spoken with me and I'm doing OK.  You have not spoken with me and I'm not OK.  Here's two words you need to learn - follow through.  Thank you for being gracious and realizing you screwed up.  I want to think it will all be OK in time, but my expectations are and will be much, much lower. 
• To the mom friend who said you believe you know EXACTLY how I feel, you don't.  You have a child, I don't.  You have NO idea how I feel.  End of discussion.  Can we just agree that we both have felt pain and neither of us can every fully understand the other?
• To the friend who keeps reminding me that you are sad too, I get it.  I get that you are grieving for me, but I cannot handle your grief.  I cannot handle your hugs.  I cannot handle your pity. 

I could go on and on.

But there is another list I need to share, because I refuse to let the anger win right now.  And to be honest, yes, I'm angry about our situation but there is a lot of crap going down right now and it's making it hard to deal. 

And then there are my blessings: 

• Chris - you are the bestest husband ever.  Yep, this is definitely part of our broken road. 
• Amy - my dear friend who knows my heart better than anyone right now.  God gave me you to get me thru this.  Thank you for the texts, phone calls, visits, emails, etc. 
• Amyla - my oldest friend, you too know my heart.  Thank you for being here when it really mattered, for knowing that I may not want to talk, and for loving me.
• My big sister - for letting me talk, for giving me space, for being the family buffer. 
• Jes - for giving me space, listening, letting me ramble, blah, blah, blah.  A+, friend, A+.
• Jen - we barely know each other but thank you for reaching out.  You are one of the few people who do really understand how I feel.  Thank you for validating my feelings, letting me rant, and helping me laugh thru the tears.
• Sarah - you may not be my real cousin, but you are family.  Thank you for opening your home, feeding us, checking in on us, sharing your boys, etc.  It means the world to us.
• My HP5 - Heather, Mer, Meg, Rach, Sarah - thank you for knowing what I've needed and loving me thru it all.
• Michelle - you too are one of the few who know exactly how I feel.  Thanks for loving on us.
• Kari & Christina - our social workers, thank you for checking on us, praying for us, recognizing this as a loss, and giving us the resources that we may need to move thru this. 

Again, I could go on. 

For every stupid, inane person we've encountered, someone has quietly loved on us. 

For every hurtful comment, there were prayers said for us. 

Just moments ago I checked my email.  A dear friend is losing her father tonight.  He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and is not expected to be of this earth much longer.  I sent her a brief email earlier this evening letting her know our thoughts and prayers were with her and her family.  She just responded thanking me for the prayers and wanting to know how we are doing.  Humbled.

Psalm 27:13-14

Of this I am still confident, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the livng.  Wait on the Lord, be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord.

Scratch That

Never mind.

We found out this morning that the baby girl was born yesterday.

We found out 2 hours later that the birthmom was choosing to parent.

We have no words, only hurting hearts.  There is no blame to be placed, no harsh words that need to be said.

We simply need to process and heal.  We are so thanful for the prayers and thoughts already being said/thought on our behalf.  We have our moments of tears and overwhelming sadness but honestly we have felt so loved, so held.

We would so appreciate your thoughts and prayers during this time, not only for us, but for the birthmom and her beautiful little girl as they move forward as a family.

"God gives, God takes, God's name be ever blessed." Job 1:21

 

One More In a Long String of Catch-up Posts

Wow, so July just kind of flew by.  Want to know what we were up to?

Here's the bullet-point version:

• 10 days in Michigan visiting family & friends and watching our niece and nephew.  Major fun was had!  We got to celebrate Marshall's (nephew) birthday.  And we got to celebrate my birthday - canoeing, lunch & waterpark with friends, cupcakes at Cake Nouveau, dinner with family, my mother-in-law's amazing chocolate cake, and the return of my brother and sister-in-law from their weirdly awful North Carolina adventures.
• Oh and saw Toy Story 3 and sobbed my freaking heart out!
• Flew in late Sunday night and met Birthmom for breakfast the next morning.  She is adorable and it was good to meet up with her again.
• Home for 3 1/2 days.
• Drove down to Omaha on Thursday night and had a lovely evening strolling thru the Old Market and relaxing.
• Flew out early the next morning to meet up with four of the most amazing women, my Hannah girls!  Seriously, it was exactly what my heart needed!
• Arrived home on Sunday.
• Worked like crazy all week - driving over 200 miles a day. 
• Headed to Omaha for the weekend for a meeting and get together.
• Home again on Saturday night - impromptu date with my cousin and her husband, Tina & Josh - they crashed our booth at Applebee's - way fun!
• The following week was a mixture of craziness - pedicure with Tina, massage, baby shower with work friends, stess about the adoption.
• Spent Saturday at my friend Sara's salon getting my hair cut & colored, chatting with her and the kiddos, and the she gave me tons of baby stuff - yay!  Oh and we got Sunshine Donuts - the best ever and what memories.  Relaxing evening with the hubs followed by church on Sunday morning, an awesome lunch with friends, and small group.  Good times.

And now we wait.  Just waiting for a call from our social worker.  I know that's what you're all here for!  Will update when we know more.

I Freely Admit That I Suck

Yes, that was horrible and mean and nasty of me to throw that out there and walk away for a few weeks.  It's just, well, I feel like I'm going to jinx myself if I put this out there. 

So for now I'm just going to say this -

• I'm not pregnant.
• There is a growing herd of elephants of every shape, size, and style in my house.
• My house smells of equal parts paint and Dreft.
• The color of this post should give you another hint.

More to come...