I've written posts in my head. Posts about how we are doing, blah, blah, blah. The good moments make for boring blogging. I'll bore you another day.
Right now, I'm pretty pissed. Not at our situation even but at how some of our friends are handling our situation. If you are a friend and you are reading this post on my blog, you are probably safe from my wrath. It's the friends that don't read this blog that I have had it with.
To keep them straight, here's a bulleted list:
- To the idiot co-worker "friend" who thinks it's helpful to tell me we'll get a baby, but "you know, you might have to wait a year or even two or three to get picked again." Seriously? Do you honestly think this is helpful? And you know how you keep asking questions about us and the agency and if I've heard from them, I understand that you pretty much just want to ensure that you are the first person to know when we are chosen again. Guess what? You will find out that we got chosen again when I don't show up to work for 12 weeks straight. You are not to be trusted. I learned my lesson. I am not stupid.
- To the flaky friend who made a huge deal out of wanting to buy our stroller/carseat for us. Please spare the rest of the world your drama and stop offering to buy gifts that you don't ever intend to purchase. And don't suggest that someone orders their "gift" themselves and that you'll reimburse them. That is not a gift; it is a reimbursement. We bought the stroller/carseat. We are keeping it for the baby we know will come home with us someday. We are no longer holding our breaths waiting for you to send us the "gift money." In fact, please return the money to the people you got it from, or give it to charity, or something. Thank you for apologizing. Thank you for the stroller. No, my husband won't beat you up this weekend.
- To the flaky friend who emails and asks if it's OK to call, and when given the OK, chooses to not call, again, spare me your drama. Don't tell people that you have spoken with me and I'm doing OK. You have not spoken with me and I'm not OK. Here's two words you need to learn - follow through. Thank you for being gracious and realizing you screwed up. I want to think it will all be OK in time, but my expectations are and will be much, much lower.
- To the mom friend who said you believe you know EXACTLY how I feel, you don't. You have a child, I don't. You have NO idea how I feel. End of discussion. Can we just agree that we both have felt pain and neither of us can every fully understand the other?
- To the friend who keeps reminding me that you are sad too, I get it. I get that you are grieving for me, but I cannot handle your grief. I cannot handle your hugs. I cannot handle your pity.
I could go on and on.
But there is another list I need to share, because I refuse to let the anger win right now. And to be honest, yes, I'm angry about our situation but there is a lot of crap going down right now and it's making it hard to deal.
And then there are my blessings:
- Chris - you are the bestest husband ever. Yep, this is definitely part of our broken road.
- Amy - my dear friend who knows my heart better than anyone right now. God gave me you to get me thru this. Thank you for the texts, phone calls, visits, emails, etc.
- Amyla - my oldest friend, you too know my heart. Thank you for being here when it really mattered, for knowing that I may not want to talk, and for loving me.
- My big sister - for letting me talk, for giving me space, for being the family buffer.
- Jes - for giving me space, listening, letting me ramble, blah, blah, blah. A+, friend, A+.
- Jen - we barely know each other but thank you for reaching out. You are one of the few people who do really understand how I feel. Thank you for validating my feelings, letting me rant, and helping me laugh thru the tears.
- Sarah - you may not be my real cousin, but you are family. Thank you for opening your home, feeding us, checking in on us, sharing your boys, etc. It means the world to us.
- My HP5 - Heather, Mer, Meg, Rach, Sarah - thank you for knowing what I've needed and loving me thru it all.
- Michelle - you too are one of the few who know exactly how I feel. Thanks for loving on us.
- Kari & Christina - our social workers, thank you for checking on us, praying for us, recognizing this as a loss, and giving us the resources that we may need to move thru this.
Again, I could go on.
For every stupid, inane person we've encountered, someone has quietly loved on us.
For every hurtful comment, there were prayers said for us.
Just moments ago I checked my email. A dear friend is losing her father tonight. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and is not expected to be of this earth much longer. I sent her a brief email earlier this evening letting her know our thoughts and prayers were with her and her family. She just responded thanking me for the prayers and wanting to know how we are doing. Humbled.
Psalm 27:13-14
Of this I am still confident, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the livng. Wait on the Lord, be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord.