Words of a Life

Gone Fishin'

My dad died yesterday.

I wanted to share the brief e-mail I sent out to friends and family this afternoon. Let me preface this by saying that of the 5 of us girls that were in town (there are 6 of us), I was the only one to vocalize that I really did not want to be in the room when Dad left us. I wanted a phone call, but preferred not to be there. We had no idea how long this would go on and Chris and I took a final shift at the hosptial this afternoon before we were to head home until morning (we're about 90 minutes from the hospital and town my parents live in). So Chris and I were alone in the room - all the rest of the family was at Mom's house getting ready to come back to the hospital so we could head home. The following was what happened.

Just a note to let you know that my Dad left us around 4:30 pm. Chris and I were alone in the room with him, singing "Softly & Tenderly" and reading the Bible - Psalm 23 because it's obligatory and Psalm 139 just because it's so much better. He actually stopped breathing completely sometime in the middle of Psalm 139. It was very peaceful. As uncomfortable and frustrated as he's been over the past few days, and past 7 years, this final act was very peaceful.

We don't know arrangements yet but Chris or I will send them out when we do. Thank you for all of the prayers, phone calls, e-mails, thoughts.

Love,
Renae & Chris

As much as I didn't want to be there, I am incredibly grateful that this was God's plan. I saw how peacefully he went. And I got to spend some very precious time with my Dad. It was really the first time in the past few days that I was alone with him, or Chris and I were alone with him. We had about 2 hours before he went and about 15 minutes after before everyone else got there. I thank God for every second of that time.

Patrick Ford 11/14/1935 - 7/25/2008

 

Can you guess what rolled thru our town last night?

Vacation, Babies, and Good Times

We are almost done with Vacation Day #5.  I refuse to start the countdown to when we head home.  It's been fun and we have stuff planned for the next few days which should result in even more fun.  

So far, we've:

• driven many miles - about 12 hours - with an overnight stop in Kalamazoo.
• played countless games of Settlers of Catan and Ticket to Ride - the guys are currently working on playing Puerto Rico while I type.
• walked miles around the house bouncing Elena (adorable 3 1/2 month old niece).
• celebrated Marshall's 3rd birthday (adorable nephew).
• had a great dinner and watched several communites' displays of fireworks from our hill west of the expressway with some of our favorite Michigan friends.
• shopped and picked up several cute pieces of clothing (me with my sil and her other sil, not the boys) at the new outdoor mall in my in-laws town.
• made a quick run to a neighboring town to see if my mother-in-law was right that there really is a White Castle - she's right, and her sons thank her for that!
• Visited more with awesome friends and hung out with the fam.

Coming attractions over the next few days include:

• visiting a local toy store where our friend works followed by fun at the local waterpark.
• meeting up with two, possibly three, virtual friends from Hannah's Prayer - an IF website/forum that I frequent.
• celebrating my 34th birthday with friends and family on Tuesday.
• a quick trip to Frankenmuth, and in particular, this store followed by dinner and an evening with friends. 
• and yet more visiting with friends
• and all this before heading for home late Saturday afternoon.

Hmm, so much more to say and share but it's late (not adjusting to the hour time difference at all!) and I have to be on my toes tomorrow trailing a 3-year old. 

But a final observation.  We've been helping take care of our niece and nephew, and even kept them for a day and night so their parents could take care of some stuff.  Chris mainly played with Marshall and I've been taking care of Elena.  It has been very bittersweet.  Last night as I gave Elena a bath in the kitchen sink, my mother-in-law commented that I'm a natural.  I almost cried - it was the highest of praise from her and showed me that she sees how much I love these children.  A bit later on, Chris and I took a walk thru the subdivision, Chris carrying Elena.  We ran into several of my in-law's neighbors, all very friendly and admiring of our sweet little niece.  After the 3rd or 4th comment, about the same time, Chris and I both started saying how we felt like frauds - parading around with this baby that isn't even ours.  My darling husband then looped an arm around me and hoisted our niece higher on his shoulder and assured me that we would have a baby of our own, he was sure of it.  I'm going to trust him on this one, a submission to his will, if you please.  This amazing man has yet to lead me astray.

After looking back over the past few months of blogging that there are several subjects I need to go back and address as I'd like them recorded for posterity's sake.  So expect some randome subject posts in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, praying you are all having great summers!

The Storm of Death and A Side of Rage

I am not going to apologize for not posting lately.  Or make excuses.  It just hasn't happened.  But I'm back for the moment.

Looking back over the weekend, I stand in awe of the awesome power of God.  On Friday afternoon, Chris and I ran down to the city for a doctor appointment and to pick up a few gifts.  We didn't plan on doing much shopping as we had a youth event we needed to get back to town for.  After our appointment, we swung by the big Christian book and gift store and found what we needed.  As we were paying, a guy in line beside us got a phone call and told his wife that the sirens were going off in our area.  But it looked sunny outside from our angle.  We walked outside and Chris turned back to the west - and interrupted me to say, "Get in the car now!"  There was a huge, dark, low-hanging wall cloud bearing down on us.  We hopped in and tried to get out of Omaha - except so was everyone else.  We were in stop-and-go traffic on the interstate when the storm hit a few minutes later.  It was insane - winds gusting to hurricane force, torrential rain in an already saturated area, and bucketloads of hail.  I was nervous - but taking pictures.  Chris thought it was awesome and kept calling friends to tell them that we were in the Storm of Death.  I'll upload pictures later but they don't do it justice.  We found out yesterday that two teenage boys were killed during the storm when a tree fell on the car they were sitting in.  Please pray for their families.

On Saturday, we got the call that our friends had delivered their baby girl and we were excited to get the news. 

But later in the day I was hit by feelings of sadness - mostly about us not getting to have a baby yet and sad that our baby wasn't still growing in me.  And I've been sad about this before so that wasn't all that different.  But there was also a restlessness in the sadness, and I wrestled with it all night.  And then this morning during worship, our pastor prayed for all those with hurting hearts, and encouraged us to seek His face even in our hurt and disappointment (he knows about our miscarriage and sometimes, although I know he is praying for the whole congregation, I feel like he is speaking right to my heart).  I teared up for a few minutes.  And then as we sang another song, our worship leader encouraged us to get our hearts right with God, just listen to what He has to say and open our hearts to it.  And you know what, I shocked the crap out of myself.  Because I didn't meekly ask for forgiveness or for any specific prayer request.  I got angry.  Really, stinking, raging angry. 

(I'm digressing here for a second but I want to refer you back to a postby Angie Smith on her blog Bring the Rain.  I read this post in the midst of the miscarriage and I remember sobbing it out to God.  If you haven't been yet, go check out her story and the entire entry.  But I'll post this here for the link-weary, and for the sake of brevity, this was the most important part of the post for me.  Angie writes,

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.  Good grief, I believe she was speaking right to me.  And this thought, this entire post has been with me ever since.  Digression over.

 

And it was weird.  I remember being sad and disappointed and hurt and let down and fragile and unloved.  But I haven't felt this kind of rage in a very long time, if ever.  And I don't know if I've ever been angry like this at God.  And I told Him so.  I told Him how angry I am that I see all these other people, some who don't even want them, having babies, getting to be parents, blah, blah, blah. And you know what - He took it.  He took it and then He filled me with a peace.  He still left me some of the anger, because He knows I need to work that out, but he also gave me this peace that told me, reassures me that He does have it all under control.  And whether I cry or scream or rage or be still, He will be there.  He is there.  He is here. 

And now I am simply tired.  Not exhausted.  But tired.  Ready to sleep and dream and pray and to wake up to a new tomorrow that He has planned for me. 

Good night, Friends.

A Reminder - Live in the Now!

I saw this a month or so ago on Ms. Fitzita's blog.  And I'm posting it today - as a reminder to myself and for some special friends.

The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, 'Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.'

I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead 'I will come next Tuesday', I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.
Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

'Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!'

My daughter smiled calmly and said, 'We drive in this all the time, Mother..'

'Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!' I assured her.

'But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks,' Carolyn said. 'I'll drive. I'm used to this.'

'Carolyn,' I said sternly, 'Please turn around.'

'It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.'

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, '

Daffodil

Garden

.' We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

'Who did this?' I asked Carolyn. 'Just one woman,' Carolyn answered. 'She lives on the property. That's her home.' Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. 'Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking', was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. '50,000 bulbs,' it read. The second answer was, 'One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.' The third answer was, 'Began in 1958.'

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.

'It makes me sad in a way,' I admitted to Carolyn. 'What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!'

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. 'Start tomorrow,' she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, 'How can I put this to use today?'

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting...

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs..
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Speechless

I recently wrote about Audrey Smith.  And last week, Steven Curtis Chapman and his family were slammed by tragedy.  And now one more.  This latest sorrow also affects the Smith family.  Go to Angie's website and read the entry titled Luke.  I cannot even write it here.

Please pray for all of these families.

A Very Personal Post

First, thank you so much for all of your prayers. I don't know if you picked this up from my posts, but I was actually feeling suicidal for a bit there - definitely not normal or anything I've ever experienced. I've been thru tough and trying times but I have never seriously considered or even dwelled on suicide like I have this past week.

Now for an update and some background -

A couple of weeks ago, we had a miscarriage.  It was very early and physically it was probably the best possible scenario as far as miscarriages go anyway.  But my hormones went out of control.  About a week after we found out, we talked to our family doctor about going on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression drug.  Do to scheduling, she couldn't see me for a week but called in a prescription for fluoxetine - generic for prozac.  Knowing it could take a few weeks to work, I wasn't too worried when I wasn't immediately snapping out of the funk.  But then it started getting worse - and worse - and worse.  I started the prescription on Thursday and by Sunday night I was not doing well at all.  Monday at work was horrible and I proceeded to spiral down.  I spent Tuesday and Wednesday home from work.  I had taken Thursday off for my follow-up doctor appointment, and by then I was a train wreck.  I was literally face down on the floor with God almost constantly, begging Him to take this burden, begging Him for healing, for hope. 

On Wednesday evening, Chris and I had done a quick internet search of the drug and realized that I was experiencing many of the side effects and together we decided that I would not take the pill on Thursday morning. So I saw my doctor at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon and was absolutely in panic mode. She listened, really listened and decided that I was having a severe allergic reaction to the drug. She even put a note in my chart that I was never ever to be prescribed it again. I can't tell you how much better that alone made me feel.

So then we discussed short term options. I have previously taken another drug to deal with anxiety brought on by family issues several years ago. I have been off of it since we started ttc. My doctor does not want me back in that cycle (Yeah - another reason I love her!) and instead she recommended Xanax - a short term, as needed solution. She thinks this is all hormonal related to the miscarriage and that in another week or so my hormones should be back to normal. I also spoke to the pharmacy (a small town, family owned place) and they are putting the same note on my file there (no more prozac!) and highly recommended the Xanax. I was also encouraged as I will most likely only be on it a week or two so there is little chance of becoming addicted.

Now for my testimony. A friend often tells me that without a test we have no testimony - and am I ever preaching that now! Literally an hour before my appt I was face down on my friend's living room floor sobbing it out to God and asking Him to take this burden - to let me feel normal again. One hour after the appt (before I even took the first dose!) I was already feeling better (perhaps the prozac leaving my system but I believe it was all God), and then within 15 minutes of taking the first dose I felt hopeful. For the first time in weeks I was feeling hopeful - and seeing all the blessings around me. I've barely been able to stop crying with joy since. And I cannot stop praising God. I am so thankful, and feeling so very humble, and so incredibly loved by such an amazing Father.

I am thankful too that I had all of you praying on my behalf and lifting me up. Thank you! Thank you! God has blessed me so much with all of you!

I know that Satan loves to get a foothold in when he can so I would ask you to continue to pray. That God continues to use this for His glory!

Thru His grace, we went on to have a wonderful weekend - another post in itself.  And today, although dealing with some residual anxiety, I was able to go to work for the entire day and not freak out.  There were moments of minor anxiety and panic but God is so good and He enabled me to calm down and be productive.

 

So that's the past few weeks in a nutshell.  Not pretty, but it's my life.  Thank you for praying.

A New Day Dawns

Thank you all so much for continuing to cover me in prayer. There have been some very good moments this weekend. I still have panicky feelings and lots of anxiety but bit by bit I am feeling better.

While I was home on Friday, a friend who saw my blog post called - and she said something that I know some of you have said and I know my DH has said but it finally sank in. Even in this valley, I try to be in control, try to make myself feel better, try to take care of others. She encouraged me to just be, to be in the moment, to fully rest in God. And God and I have had some very good moments this weekend.

I have made the decision to try and go to work on Monday and see how it goes. I will see how I do and if it's not going well, I have my boss' blessing to leave when I need to. Knowing this was my decision, I've been all over the place today emotionally. I know Satan is lurking but I know my God is bigger and mightier and is holding me close.

And once again I am asking you to pray. Please pray that I will be comforted and remember I just have to get thru this moment, that all will go well at work and God will bless those efforts, and for a peaceful night's sleep each night this week, for good rest. I absolutely covet those prayers right now.

If You're Not Looking for a Deep Post, Skip this One

It has been a brutal week.  Let's just say we got some very bad news, and coupled with big changes at work and lots of personal stress, I am not coping.  I am in the deepest pit I have ever been in.  I cannot seem to claw my way out of this.  I pray, I seek, I believe but this despair will not loosen its grip. 

We were at a huge youth event on Wednesday night (Day 9 of my anxiety/panic/depression) and at the end of the evening, when all the kids were gone and it was just the workers left, Chris grabbed three of the pastors from our area that we love and trust and asked them to pray for me.  I have no doubt that God heard their prayers.  But I think I expected to feel better immediately after they prayed - and I didn't.  In fact, I was crying harder than ever.  But I KNOW God heard their prayers. 

Yesterday, at Chris's suggestion, I took steps to get some of this under control.  I am feeling slightly better.  I had a long talk with a friend too, and that helped.  All in all, I was feeling like at least a fraction of my former self when we went to bed last night.  And that was very good.  And I actually slept some which is another good thing.

So we come to today.  I woke up to cloudy skies and now it is raining and the wind is howling, and really, it fits my mood.  I want to cry out to God and be the angry, hurt little child and have Him make it all better.  But I feel guilty doing that. 

And then...

I have kind of avoided reading blogs for fear of coming across news that would set me on the short road to another panic attack (in my case - uncontrollable crying, shaking, going hot and cold).  But today I am feeling OK enough to read a few.  Remember that post I wrote about Audrey Caroline and her mother's blog.  Well I visited it today.  And this is what Angie wrote:

"I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him."

I am so sad.  And I don't know if I even have the energy to scream.  But I am at least going to try to rest in Him today.  I need his comforting touch so much.  If you have it in you, please, please pray for me today and throughout the coming week.  I cannot do this on my own. 

   

Just a Feeling

Have you ever encountered one of those little quiz things that asks you to either write or recite something you know by heart?  And what did you write or recite?

My little recitation, especially in recent years, was the final stanza of Casey At the Bat by Ernest Lawrence Thayer.  I'm not sure why, but this particular poem has resonated with me since the very first time I heard it, most likely around the age of 6 or 7.  In case you're not familiar here (this is audio too) is the link, and here are the final four lines:

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville - mighty Casey has struck out.

I think I felt bad for Casey, horrible really.  I mean, the poor guy is giving it all he's got and instead of being praised for giving it his all, he gets written into a poem where he is the big fat loser.  He is remembered for screwing up, for not getting a hit, for failing.  And that last line,

But there is no joy in Mudville - might Casey has struck out. 

Ouch. 

So tell me why this is the refrain that has been stuck in my head for the past several days. 

There is no joy in Mudville - might Casey has struck out.