Words of a Life

He Went to Paris

There is an old Jimmy Buffet song that I love called He Went to Paris.  Here's a bit of the lyrics: 

 

He went to Paris, lookin’ for answers

To questions that bothered him so

He was impressive, young and aggressive

Savin the world on his own

 

But the warm summer breezes

The French wine and cheeses put his ambition at bay

The summers and winters, scattered like splinters

And four or five years slipped away.

 

This is what I feel like.  We get so busy living life and soaking up the love from our sweet girl and before we know it another two months have slipped away.

The last few months have been good, really good.  I don't want to be say they were wonderful or perfect but compared to the first couple of months, they have been really good.

The first month to six weeks that Annie was home, however, were rough for me. I went thru some massive post-adoption anxiety and didn't do a good job of handling it.  I never wanted to hurt myself or my child but I did not want to get out of bed despite the fact that I couldn't sleep and when I did, I was plagued with nightmares. I wasn't functioning well at all and the Massive Anxiety Diet of 2011 which resulted in me losing 25 pounds in 11 days was not good either.  Thankfuly, Chris is super husband, and between him, our social worker, amazing friends and family, an awesome Christian counselor, and my medical doctor who believed me, within weeks I was doing so much better.  Looking back on that time, I honestly feel like a totally different person from who I was during those 4-6 weeks.

At the beginning of July we headed to Michigan for a long 10 day vacation visting family and friends.  When we left I was still dealing with some moderate to severe anxiety.  By the time we returned I was rating my anxiety levels around low to medium with a few flashed of moderate.  And things have only improved from there, despite some major life changes for us. 

The change in our lives, besides adding Miss Annie to the family, has been Chris' job situation.  As he became increasingly dissatisfied with his job, we talked about him finding another tech job. Neither one of us felt that would solve anything. I asked Chris to do some serious soul searching and talk to friends and mentors and decide what he would like to go into.  In late June, he enrolled back in school to earn his post-Baccalaureate certification to teach.  He wants to teach math and work with junior high students.  I cannot tell you how proud of him I am.  He started classes in early July thru a local university's accelerated program and got A's in both of his classes.  He is now in two more classes and is getting A's in both of them.  He has never been a great student but he is seriously an awesome student now.

Because of the way the program is set up, classes are held two evenings a week, on Saturdays (he hasn't had a Saturday class yet - thank goodness!), or online.  The schedule works perfectly with mine - Chris is able to stay home and study and take care of Annie all week and I am home in the evenings when he goes to class or youth group.  It might not be a traditional set up but it works well for us. 

And in Annie news - our baby girl is almost 20 weeks old.  She is an absolute delight and we are so enamored with her.  Annie is sleeping thru the night and has been for a couple of months.  She is such an easy going baby - laughing, smiling, talking, rolling over, loves her jumperoo, recognizes and loves mama and daddy, is drooling like crazy, and is just a ton of fun. She loves to go for walks, to dance, laughs like crazy when one of us sing to her, loves any kind of music we play, and already enjoys when we read books to her.  At her 2 month appointment she weighed 14 lbs, 4 oz and was 24 inches long. It's official - she's growing!

As proof, here are some more recent photos:

 

All smiles for Daddy!

 

 

 

Her favorite outfit:

 

 

 

Tummy time talker:

 

 

 

Happy girl!

 

 

Our little family at the zoo - note the lip!

Whoopsiedoodle & Some News

And another 3 1/2 months has gone by without an update.  

And there is lots to share.

April was pretty low key but May brought big changes.  May brought us our sweet baby girl, Annie Hope.

Rewind - in early February we were notified by our agency that were chosen by another set of birth parents.  We met them toward the end of the month and it was considered an official match.  We had a chance to meet up with birth mom again in April and met a couple of her children.

And back to May...

Our sweet girl was born on May 16th which also happens to be my sister, Roma's 40th birthday.  Happy Birthday, Aunt Roma!  We were both present at the birth and birth mom had the nurse put the 2nd bracelet on me so I was able to go in the nursery with Annie.  We spent a lot of time visiting with the birth parents and her family and children and their social worker.  

Twenty-seven hours after she was born, we were on our way home with our daughter. 

 

Annie is now 11 weeks old and is the sweetest baby.  She pretty much only cries when she is hungry and we haven't gotten her bottle to her in a quick enough fashion.  She is sleeping 8-10 hours a night and loves her sleep!  She is cooing like crazy and smiling.  She is trying so hard to be a thumb sucker but can't get it to stay in her mouth - which is just fine with Mommy.  

Next up - Annie's adventures!

 

 

Held

Our infertility/loss journey is now in its 6th year and we have been so blessed to have very supportive friends and family supporting us through this journey.

But both Chris and I also credit another group of people for their support.  In late 2006, I found an online community of Christian women at a site called Hannah's Prayer.  These women lifted me in prayer, laughed with me, cried with me, and most importantly, simply loved on me over these past several years.  

And now, they are taking a step out in faith and starting a new blog - Held.  

Isn't that the perfect title???  I love it. 

Held.

Held in the palm of His hand.

Held in His love.

Held.

Ten days from now you can experience some of the love and wisdom I've been privy to since joining Hannah's Prayer.   Check out the awesome linky doodad button on my sidebar.

Mark your calendars.  Don't miss out.  

This, this is the good stuff.  

2011 - so far

I had such great aspirations for blogging this year.  To be perfectly honest, I just haven't been feeling it.  I shall attempt to do better in the months to come.

Moving on.

Life has been busy, full of lots of little twists and turns and ups and downs and in just the 79 days that have come and gone so far in 2011, life has simply demanded to be lived.  

Already we've said goodbye to some dear ones, and hello to others. We've celebrated and we've mourned. We've made it thru what seem to be the last vestiges of winter, and are now anticipating spring. We've dreamt little dreams, and now are dreaming bigger dreams. We have danced and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, and we have gone to bed at 9:00 pm and slept in until 10:00 am. We've planned and prepared and proposed and presented and simply prayed. We've let go of some of the little things - the happiness suckers - and we've opened our hearts to the endless possibilities and hopes for the future. We have loved and laughed and cried and sassed and smiled and demanded and believed. We've eaten waffles and brisket and played cards and board games. We've cleaned and sorted and shoved stuff under the bed to be dealt with at a yet to be determined time. And we watched movies and fought zombies and fixed  broken cars and wrestled with giggly 2-yr olds who ply us with, "Again! Do again!" We have driven hundreds of miles, earned special tickets for going fast, and we have stayed home, snuggled up on the couch watching animated movies that make us smile and cry. We have captured moments in pixels and kilobytes and wavelengths.  

We have simply refused to give up, to stop living, loving, breathing, being.

And thru it all we remember this:

 

God is very seldom early, but He is never, ever late.

Waiting Room

After yet another piece of hard news, a friend shared this song with me.  It seems to fit our situation so well, yet I imagine it also is a good fit for so many people waiting for something or someone.

 

 

 

Wrapped Up - 2010

I’m a little late to the game but thought this could still be considered valid as we’re only 6 25 days into 2011.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?


Went thru the process to be approved to adopt domestically, got selected by a birth mom, spent 2 months getting to know this amazing young woman and her support system, went thru a failed placement when she chose to parent.

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


I don’t really make formal resolutions but I made an ‘I Will Try’ list and I feel pretty comfy with my accomplishments.  And there are a few things I would like to add to my ‘I Will Try’ list. 

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


My cousin Pam had a fabulously handsome little guy named Joey. 

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?


My friend Bob. 

 

5. What countries did you visit?
 

We stayed stateside this year but we managed to get out and about to several states including:  Arizona, Nebraska, South Dakota, Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Missouri, and Oklahoma.

 

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

 Do I really need to state the obvious?

 

Other than that, I really felt a huge measure of peace in 2010.  Despite all the craziness, I was surrounded by my awesome husband, some amazing friends, and lovely family.

 

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 14^th – the day we were officially matched

August 16^th – the day we found out we were not bringing a baby home


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


I know there are things I’m not thinking of but I really think my biggest achievement was actually holding it together and remembering to breathe in and breathe out with some semblance of normalcy. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

I failed to keep the weight off.  That’s been hard, sucky hard.  But it’s never too late to make some changes.  



 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Some minor colds, and a weird rib head issue.

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My DroidX and my MacBookPro – oh I love them.  J

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Chris – he is still my rock, my sweet, amazing, gorgeous, loving husband.  You know the old Carly Simon song Nobody Does It Better?  Yeah, that’s Chris.

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


 I’m going to say no one.  There are, of course, various politicians and pretty much the entirety of the political population in Washington DC, but not worth stressing about right now.

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Adoption costs

 

15. What did you get really excited about?

 Besides the potential of bringing home a real, live baby, I got super excited about my trip to Ohio in July to see my HP girls. 

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

- Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars – Chris loves this song!  I love hearing him sing it!

- The Mess I Made by Parachute – the lyrics of this song just get me.  I’ve felt very awkward this year – not quite in my skin, if you know what I mean.  And this song sums up a lot of feelings.

- Forever Reign by Hillsong Live – Recommended by my friend Mer, this song reminds me what it’s all about. 

 - Before the Morning by Josh Wilson – I cannot tell you how many people recommended this song to me this past year.  And it really struck me, at how very perfectly it fit our circumstances.

- He Is With You by Mandisa – Oh gracious, this song touches my heart every single time I hear, like a little love song to me from God. 

- It Might Be Hope by Sara Groves – There is something about Sara Groves, her voice, her attitude, whatever it is, I love it.  And this song reminded me that hope would live again in my heart.

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder?  Happier, can’t even explain why, but I am. 

– thinner or fatter? I am pleading the 5^th.

– richer or poorer?   Richer.  Even though we don’t have bags of cash sitting around, I feel richer, blessed.

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Taking pictures and capturing moments.

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Trying to guess other people’s motives and even thinking they had a motive.  I wrote this same thing last year and I really need to keep working on it.  Could have saved myself a lot of hurt feelings if I would just stop imagining things in my head.

 

20. How did you spend Christmas?


We traveled to MI to see Chris’ family, then to Ohio for New Year’s to see a dear friend and her family.

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?


Yep, over and over again with amazing husband.

 

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Modern Family – love!

 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?


Nope, life is too short for hate.

 

24. What was the best book you read?


I FINALLY started reading the Anne of Green Gables series.  I cannot believe I’ve never read them.  Love.

 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?


 I don’t know that I made any.  Oh wait, the song Raining You by Brad Paisley came onto my radar. I am not sure how I didn’t know this song existed.  Oy.

 

26. What did you want and get?


My MacBook Pro

 

27. What did you want and not get?


This one should be pretty obvious to regular readers.  But honestly, I know that God’s got this one – and His timing is perfect.

 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?


I really, really, really loved Toy Story 3.  I cry every single time I watch it.

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?


I turned 36 this year.  Yep, I am officially closer to 40 than 30. 

Since we were in Michigan visiting family, Chris and I went canoeing in Ann Arbor, followed by lunch with awesome friends, and the water park with the same friends, then cupcakes at a lovely little shop in Ypsilanti.  We then headed back to Chris’ parent’s house and had dinner and chocolate cake with the family.

 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?


Having the adoption go thru.

 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?


For another year, I’m sticking with relaxed and comfy.

 

32. What kept you sane?


My husband, music, awesome friends and family, chocolate, Moscato.


 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


Still madly in love with Colin Firth.

 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?


I think more than stirred, annoyed is a better word.  I was annoyed by all of the bickering and fighting and back stabbing.  Is anyone in Washington capable of acting like a civil adult?

 

35. Who did you miss?


My dad, still, always.

My Harlan friends – it’s only 90 miles but it might as well be a million most of the time.

 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

 I loved our social workers and agency staff – they made this year bearable.  And all of the amazing people we’ve met at church.  It’s been a blessed year.

 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Keep breathing.  When results depend on other people in your life, there is so much greater propensity for heartache.

 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

~Sara Groves – It Might be Hope

Because of Isaac

There is this amazing lady that I claim to know.  Her name is Wendy and I met her through Hannah's Prayer.  I've written about Hannah's Prayer before - it is a forum for Christian women dealing with infertility and infant loss.  Wendy's story has given me a lot of hope over the past few years. 

Anyway, a couple of years ago, Wendy and her husband adopted a sweet, sweet little guy named Isaac.  And now, they want to do more.  They have started their own foundation to help other families trying to adopt.  

It is called Because of Isaac.  Please go visit this site to see how you can help.

 

 

 

God With Us

Have been feeling pretty incommunicado lately but wanted to stop by to wish each of you a Merry Christmas.  

Christmas is very different this year than how we thought it would be.  Our hearts still ache and our arms are still empty, but we are so very thankful for the love of our Savior, so very blessed that He would come here, and take human form, to save us from ourselves.

This Christmas we give honor and glory to our Emmanuel, our God with us.

Be blessed, dear friends, and Merry Christmas.

National Adoption Month

It's National Adoption Month.  If you go here, you can read the Presidential Proclamation.  For many reasons, this month is dear to our hearts.  Even if your life hasn't been touched by adoption, bets are it will be at some point.  You can get involved with National Adoption Month using one of these handy calendars.  Today's activity is to read an adoption-specific book.   I've slowly been working my way through The Spirit of Open Adoption by James Gritter and I had a few minutes to skim the current chapter I'm in.

There's so much more to write, but two visitations and two funerals in two days has about done me in and most of the action is yet to come tomorrow. 

Because My Phone Doesn't Ring Anymore

This post by Chalica over at All Up in the Kool-Aid has been on my mind since I first read it two weeks ago.  The quote she references will not leave my brain.  Unfortunately, my heart can already speak to the truth contained in that little quote. 

But then I remember what really matters:

Here's the link to the actual music video and below is a slideshow set to the song.