Words of a Life

Friends, Beginnings, & Birthdays

So last days of work, must mean somthing else is starting, right?  Right. 

But first - Friends.  Our weekend was full of time spent with friends - pedicures with Shiela Thursday afternoon followed by dinner and relaxing with her and Joe and family that evening, a picnic at Brad & Tina's on Friday night with lots of our friends present, dinner with Kevin & Carrie on Saturday night, followed by a lovely viewing of our town's fireworks at the ball complex.  And then Sunday - it is such a great experience to be surrounded by friends you love as you worship the God who loves you.  After church, we stopped at Joe & Shiela's and had an impromptu lunch of leftovers (yum!!!) with them before heading home.

Once home, we finished packing up the car and got on the road - after a few delays.  Chris currently has a work car that he drives home - it is not in good shape but despite repeated complaints it never really gets fixed properly.  Thankfully this time it was minor - just a dead battery.  We jumped it and were on our way only to realized that he had a low tire.  Stopped to fix that but the gas station air pump didn't work.  Found an auto pump thing in his trunk, got that fixed.  And headed out again.  Got to the hotel around 5:00.  Unloaded the vehicle, stopped by my cousin's house and then went to take a look at the house that we very much hope will be our's soon!  Drove back to town, grabbed dinner and then Chris headed home. 

On to beginnings - My first week of work was really, really good.  I really, really like my job.  I hesitate to say love.  But it could get there.  I am feeling a little bit clueless right now but I am getting better at finding the answer.  And I have honestly never spent so much time on the computer and phone -but I'm enjoying it.  The people I work with are simply great.  I like my new boss alot too.  So far, so good.  And I'm thinking it's just going to get better.

And finally, birthdays - I turned 35 on Wednesday.  I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.  When I was in my 20s, I told my friends that I would let my hair go natural when I turned 35.  And if you know me, you know that I am naturally about 90-95% gray.  And all I can say is what in the crap was I thinking???  Seriously, I will probably keep dying my hair until they bury me.  Faithfully, every 5 weeks.  And I will have no regrets about it.  If you're lucky I may post one of the super-gray photos of me in the next few days - there was a time when I didn't think the gray was that bad - yeah, it's that bad on me.  Especially since the rest of my hair is so dark.  But I lived and learned.  And now I have fabulous semi-blond hair! 

Oh and if you happen to be in west central Iowa later this evening (that would be Saturday), join us for my friend Renee's and my birthday bash - a Renae/Renee party - photos from that to follow...

Last Day

Today is my last day in my current office.  Last week I finished up in the other office I've been helping out in so all week I've been here.  It's been so nice to just hang out with them (while working diligently, of course)  My awesome co-workers have made this a fun week -  a potluck on Monday with gifts (all sentimental which are perfect for me - they really put some thought into the gifts!), homemade cinnamon rolls on Tuesday (made by the woman in the red jacket).  I showed up Wednesday morning to a bucket full of incredible homemade cookies (again from Marolyn in the red jacket), and today breakfast pizza.  Here is the last staff photo we took together - back in February.  From left, Joni, Jeff, me, Marolyn, Rob, Luke, and Joann.  I am going to miss this group so much.

An Update in Photos

Some photos to go along with my previous update...just a little of what we've been up to in the past few months.

The 6 of us girls on Saturday night...Pia, Me, Annette, Tina, Carrie, and Amy.

 

us and some of our amazing friends at our surprise goodbye party.

 

The Grotto of the Redemption at West Bend, IA - we visited here last weekend with some dear friends.  I have loved this place since I first saw it (think I was in high school) and I've wanted to take Chris knowing he'd love it - he did.  We're planning a trip back the next time his parents come to visit.

 

 In the chapel at the Grotto, they had candles that could be lit as memorials or prayer requests.  I lit one - both for my dad, and for us.  It is the blue candle in the upper right.

 

 Chris with some of our little friends - Trever, Erin, Chris, Cameron.  Note what Chris's shirt says, "I'm a PC...and I'm good for business."  Yes, that is my geeky husband!

 

 

A recent very good picture of us. 

 

More to come...

 

 

 

Where I've Been...

For months I've been composing blog posts in my head...but haven't had the time/energy/ambition to write them down.  And five months just flew by.

To say that life has been an exciting, fast-paced, roller coaster full of ups and downs and corkscrews and upside down loop-de-loops is completely accurate.  Chris and I both feel like we've been going non-stop for months.  And it is not about to slow down any time soon. 

The highlights:

• WE'RE MOVING!

The low points: 

• WE'RE MOVING!

The details:

• In March I was asked to appy for a position within my agency. It was gently suggested that it was an "apply and get it or don't apply and get it" kind of situation.  But it was a good position - one that I have really wanted, just not in this particular location...which happens to be my hometown.  I have never wanted to move back to my hometown.  Twelve days after applications were due in, I was notified that I was selected.

• So we are moving back to my hometown.  Officially I start on July 6th.  And technically we should be moving right now.  But we haven't been able to find a house yet.  Because Chris will be working from home (keeping his job with his company and being allowed to telecommute - yeah!), he needs a home office set up so he can do his job.  And no house means no home office.  So he needs to stay put for now.  But hopefully only for 30 days!  While Chris lives the bachelor life I'll be chilling at the hotel (thank you Uncle Sam for the 30 days of temporary quarters!), learning how to do my new job, and trying to find us a place to live.

• We are excited about the possibilities, thrilled to be much closer to my family, anticipating all of the fun things available in a bigger city - martial arts classes (Chris), pottery lessons (me), photography and dance lessons (both of us). 

• But we are devastated to be leaving our little country home (where Chris proposed to me, our first and only home together, so many memories), our amazing church, our fantastic co-workers, our wonderful community, and the bestest friends we never could have imagined being blessed with. 

• And we are so thankful (Chris is positively ecstatic!) that the government will be sending in movers to pack and load us when we do find a place.  So we haven't had to spend any of our precious last days packing.  That time has been spent with our dear friends, including an amazing surprise goodbye party this past Friday night - and yes, it was a huge surpise!

There's been a few other things going on too:

• With the help of my awesome husband &  our clinic, I managed to lose 55 pounds!  I feel and look the best I have in years!  Chris is so supportive and has encouraged me to shop - which is so much fun since I'm shopping in much smaller sizes! 
• Spent a weekend at a Hannah's Prayer retreat in Cincinnati, OH - Wow!  Talk about being blessed!  Met some amazing women...laughed, prayed, cried, giggled, shopped, drank lots of coffee and slept very, very little! 
• We did two more IUIs with negative results.  We're currently on a break during the move and first few months of my new job.  We've decided to focus on the move, the new job, each other, and getting settled.  And we're praying about what God would have us do next - treatments, no treatments, more IUIs, IVF, adoption...just lots of prayer and listening for God.
• I've been discovering that grief is a fickle beast.  As the one year anniversary of my dad's death approaches (July 25th), I find myself dealing with more tears, more anger, less sanity.  It is made even more painful as I help a friend who is beginning to walk this road.  C's dad was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and they have been told it is worst-case scenario.  On Saturday night, 6 of us went out to a lovely dinner in the Old Market.  As we dined, talk turned to tattoos - something I never wanted until my dad died.  We talked about going together to get tattoos...and all of a sudden realized that of the 6 of us, 4 of us had lost our dads...and C quietly said, "I'm on this road too."  As one of our 6 returned home to Dubai today, the other 3 of us, and C, are planning a little trip to the tattoo parlor in the near future.  If I'm brave enough to go thru with it, I'll post a picture here.

More to come...

Yep, I Think I'll Keep Him

Chris spent the weekend in Michigan - flew out Friday and flew back in Sunday night.  He had a great time hanging out with his brother and some friends doing his fighting in the woods thing.  Although I enjoyed a nice weekend here - having pizza and movie night with girlfriends, completely loving my Saturday afternoon massage and whipping up some fun Superbowl food - I was SO excited to pick him up from the airport on Sunday night.  I couldn't wait to just see him - and then he pulled out this little number from Kay Jewelers.  Isn't he wonderful!?

 

No Time to Blog

Oomph.  I had such high hopes for beginning a new blogging regimen.  And I still fully intend to be a better blogger.  But it's going to have to wait a little bit - just until I conquer the new Wii Fit games I'm addicted to!

Yep, we finally got one - massive excitement in our house, well, at least from me.  I ended up getting two duplicate Christmas gifts and after returning them I had just the right amount to get a Wii Fit.  But it was almost impossible to find one.  I've gotten quite chatty with the Walmart electronics guys at most of the stores within 100 miles of here.  And if you're nice they'll tell you when you can get them.  But there was little to no chance that I'd be in a Walmart at 8:00 on Sunday morning.  Especially when the nearest Walmart is a 20 mile minimum from our house. 

But on Sunday night, as we were headed home after small group (where we'd just tried out our friend's Wii Fit), I called the Walmart 20 miles away and they had just unpacked them!  Whoo hoo!  Nothing like an impromptu trip to Walmart at 8:30 on a Sunday night!  And Walmart is really quiet and empty at that time.  We went straight to electronics, got our Wii Fit and headed home.  I tried it out yesterday and love it!  I just got done working on it again tonight and am now watching Chris try it out.  Way fun!

Ok - back to my current addiction.

Monday

I wanted to write a cute, witty, somewhat flippant post but I can barely keep my eyes open.  We've had several late nights in a row and it's finally catching up with me. 

For now I leave you with my list of tunes I absolutely love this week:

• Home - Michael Buble'
• Lost - Michael Buble
• Slow Fade - Casting Crowns
• Sweet and Low - Augustana
• Lucky - Jason Mraz and Coby Caillat
• How Many Kings - downhere

More later.  Bed now.  Be well.

New Beginnings

I haven't blogged much lately, or more correctly, at all for the past month.  It's not that I didn't have anything to write, it's more that I am simply tired.  Not tired of writing, just tired in general.  Just lots of little things going on and not a lot of energy to expend on keeping up my blog.

But in the spirit of the new year, I am going to try to do better.  I'm going to try to make at least a post a week.  Try being the key word.

But the word 'try' reminded me of my first post from 2008.  And I decided that I really liked my list.  So here's recap:

This is my "I Am Going To Try" List.  Because I want to reflect the love I receive every single day, I'm going to try to to do the following this year and for years to come:

• I am going to try to look for the good, the hidden joy, the sweet poignancy, in each moment.
• I am going to try to overlook the slights, the insults, the mean or just-not-quite-nice comments.
• I am going to try to tell people whom I love that I love them more often. 
• I am going to try to let down my guard and let a few more people in.
• I am going to try to hug more often.
• I am going to try to harbor hurts less.
• I am going to try to really be a good wife, friend, listener.
• I am going to try to be thankful, really thankful all the time.
• I am going to try to complain less and praise more.
• I am going to try to love a little more.

I thought this was a good way to start the year again. 

May you all have a blessed 2009!

Happy, Happy

Happy Anniversary, Husband of mine! 

 

Loved you then.

Love you still.

Always have.

Always will.

 

This Post is Not Hopeful or Postive

And for a rousing finale to National Infertility Awareness Week, we took a test.

And failed again.

This failure was so much harder to take than the many we've dealt with over the past (almost) three years.  This failure could very well spell the end to our dreams of conceiving a child. 

Over the past couple of years, Chris and I have undergone a number of tests in regard to our infertility issues, and over the past year, we have gone thru a number of treatments, all designed and administered with the goal of us getting pregnant and having a baby. 

Many of your know that we dealt with a devastating miscarriage this past spring.  Devastating in so many ways, but it also gave us hope that we could get pregnant.  We prayed and prayed that we could get pregnant without any treatments and we took the summer off of treatments to heal, both physically and emotionally.  After another 3 cycle of trying to conceive naturally with no positive results, we were set to start treatments again in late July, and then my Dad died.  Another emotional blow to our already fragile hearts.  We put off treatments for another month.

In September, we got back on the horse, so to speak.  We had a textbook treatment cycle but didn't achieve the desired results.  The following is what I shared with some friends on the day we got our negative:

Hi Friends,

Our HPT was negative this morning. Which is kind of what we expected. We are doing OK. I think Chris is actually taking it harder than me.

But the coolest thing happened when I left for work this morning. I backed out of the driveway and pulling forward onto the road, I noticed a rainbow in the western sky - a full rainbow. It was really cool. And I just heard in my head, "This is my promise." And the rainbow was God's promise to Noah that He would never again flood the entire earth. And I felt like it was His promise to us this morning that He knows what we want, and He is promising it to us - just in His time. I was very humbled by the site of it. In fact, it's taken me several hours to process it enough to share it with anyone. I am still just a bit in awe of the whole thing.

Can you hear/read the hope in my words?  We just KNEW this next cycle would work, felt that promise, believed in that promise.  And this was a picture perfect cycle.  We tried an additional medicine that I responded to even better than the previous combination.  The timing was awesome, Chris's counts were extraordinary, the doctors and staff were so positive.

And to top it all off, if we got pregnant this cycle, the baby would be due at the beginning of July - BEFORE my 35th birthday.  This might not seem like a big deal but to me it was.  Back when I knew the exact plan for my life, I would get married at 26, wait two years, start having babies and have them 2-3 years apart and be done by the time I was 35.  But life didn't happen that way.  Chris and I met after I turned 30 and got married when I was 31.  And now I'm 34, and not pregnant.  And there is no way I will be a mom before I turn 35.  And really, very little chance I'll be a mom before I'm 37 or 38.

Because after this latest failure, our doctor wants to meet with us.  They think we have given it the good old college try.  And at this point, they would like us to get more aggressive.  We are not willing to get more aggressive.  Way back, before we started any treatments, Chris and I sat down and prayed and talked and prayed some more and sought wise counsel from dear friends and prayed some more.  And then we spelled out what medical treatments we were and were not willing to pursue in our efforts to conceive.  And we think we're at the end of our road.  We meet with our doctor in a few weeks to discuss our situation and then we will know for sure. 

I know God has a plan but I am having a hard time seeing thru the pain right now.  I keep going back to two songs - Casting Crowns "Praise You In This Storm" and John Waller's "While I'm Waiting".  Both songs mention praising - one in the storm, one while you wait.  I don't know if I'm there yet.  I want to be.  I want to praise Him.  But right now I feel like the petulant little child who simply wants to cry, although they know crying will do no good.  Case in point - yesterday, a little later in the morning, Chris called to check on me.  I told him how sad I was and he talked about the rainbow God showed us last month and the promise in that.  My response was that there was no rainbow this morning, only rain (it really was raining, pouring actually).

Do you know what my husband did?  He sent me flowers - white roses, yellow roses, red roses, pink roses, all in a vase with a multi-colored ribbon.  And a card that read, "There is always a rainbow."

I still feel like a failure.  But a failure with an amazing, wise husband that only God could have provided especially for me.  And tomorrow morning, I will get up and go with that amazing husband to a little church service held in a coffee shop and I will praise Him, because despite my failures and disappointments and heartbreaks, He has blessed me with so very much.  And I still have hope.